


They Go Wild

by GravityDefyingHair



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Existential Angst, Hiking, Implied Violence, M/M, Mental Illness, Nature, Past Drug Use, but bear with me, i'm aware i'm not the best at it, i'm not usually a writer, inaccurate head trauma description, not main characters, off screen character deaths, this is my first post here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 07:19:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6844633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GravityDefyingHair/pseuds/GravityDefyingHair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of his father's death, Kylo Ren tries to commune with nature and work through his problems through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. </p>
<p>It doesn't seem to be working. </p>
<p>He's far more concerned with beating this guy named Hux (and his cat) to the end of the trail than any actual self exploration. Personal growth is overrated anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song "Old Soul Song (For the New World Order)" by Bright Eyes. Chapter title is a song from the same band. Expect that to be a theme, I guess.

"That mother fucker."

Kylo grits his teeth as he stares down at that shitty notebook that was left at the trail mark. He tempted to rip out the page, which he probably would have actually done several days before. There's that stupid signature, next to that stupid cat paw mud mark. How fucking childish.

Hux got here first.

Kylo almost wants to quit right there and call Rey to come pick him up at the nearest town. But that would mean Hux would win and there's no fucking way Kylo is going to let that happen.

That fucker.

And his fucking cat.

Who goes hiking with a fucking cat?

Kylo imagined that it was black, rather large given it's paw size, and evil. But that could just be because of his landlord's cat, which admittedly, was the only cat he had any regular contact with.

Kylo quickly signed his name and slammed the notebook back into it's compartment, not bothering to properly shut it. Let the next storm get it, who gives a shit? Kylo pulled his hood back up and continued down the marked trail.

The only reason Kylo was even doing this useless hike was because of his uncle. No, wait, that was a lie. He was doing it because of his father, but the idea was his uncle's. Uncle Luke had done this trail twice, once when he was in his early twenties and more recently a few years ago. He always talked about it, how it got him to think about the things that mattered in his life, like his family and his relationship with his father.

That's what really spurred this trip for Kylo. He wanted to have time to think about his dad. Maybe reflect on his life and learn to appreciate nature as it's own being or some shit.

Kylo didn't think he was learning to appreciate anything, especially not nature. All he was feeling was anger towards the ground he walked on, the stone in his shoe, his dependence on water and the U.S postal service. He did, however, learn to appreciate indoor plumbing a lot more than he did when he started this trip. And soap. He really missed soap, but it was deemed unimportant when he was packing and while that was probably a wise decision, it didn't make him feel any better when, in a moment of clarity, he realized just how rank he smelled.

But now Kylo really hated nature.

And his uncle.

And his dad.

And especially that prick named Hux.

And cats.

Kylo was only a month into his trip and he felt like he was falling further behind everyone else every fucking day. The further up north he went, he felt like everything was getting steeper and shittier. Especially when it came to the weather. He had yet to see snow, but the rain was getting more freezing and less refreshing with every down pour.

He couldn't even try and appreciate the views he was seeing because of all the bullshit he was putting up with. His mood just got worse with every day he spent walking, and climbing, and sweating. He had a decent beard now and it was itching his face like crazy from not being properly washed and he was really regretting not getting a haircut before he started this stupid trail.

He made it about five more miles before he decided to take a break. He pulled out his water bottle and his phone to see if he had a signal. He didn't, but he must have had one within the last hour because he had a message from Rey on his phone. A reply to his last message letting her know to send extra batteries to the next town he was due to arrive at in 3 days.

"K" it said.

Kylo felt like he wanted to throw up. Which he probably would in the next hour, but this was for completely different reasons. Reasons like how absolutely alone he felt in the world.

He and Rey used to be a lot closer than this. She used to ride on his shoulders just so she could feel tall. He gave her all his old band tee-shirts when he grew out of them, which was frequently. She used to call him about her love life and ask him advice. Now it was just that fucking letter. K. That was their relationship now. The last time they'd even talked face to face was when he told her he would give her money to send him supplies while he was on this trip. He could have given the money to his mom, but he didn't want to have to rely on her for this kind of thing.

He wasn't good at this whole "look inside yourself" bullshit. Wasn't it suppose to come naturally or something? Like he would remember all the good times with his dad and suddenly be a normal human being? That's how it seemed to happen for everyone else. But it's not working. Nothing ever works.

Before he knows it, a woman with short blonde hair and wearing what it probably designer **everything** , from her sunglasses to her hiking boots, is walking towards him. She has a heavy backpack similar to his own on her back. She looks taller than him, which is quite a feat in itself. She walks straight up towards him and drops her stuff next to his.

"Got any liquor?" she asks.

Kylo doesn't say anything, just drinks from his water. The woman sighs and drinks from her own canteen. They both stare off into the distance. They were high up enough for a decent view, but Kylo couldn't give less of a shit at the moment.

"You Ren?"

He looked over at the blonde.

"Yeah," he said, somewhat uncertain of how she knew that.

She smiled. "I'm Phasma. A friend of Hux."

Kylo tried to keep himself from sneering, but he was almost certain he failed. Great. An ally to the great dick-head hiker.

"You've been driving him crazy, you know that?" Phasma told him, "I haven't seen him run a hike this quickly in all the time we've been doing trails. He hated your Bukowski quote by the way."

"I hated it too," Kylo told her, "That's why I wrote it down."

"That's a stupid reason."

Kylo shrugged at her, not wanting to give away his whole life story. "It's the only book I have on me."

"Wanna trade? I've been reading Hitchiker's Guide and I've basically memorized all the good lines anyway."

Kylo grabbed his bag and brought out his book, he held it out to Phasma and she handed him hers. Kylo flipped through the pages before putting it in the front pocket.

"Sorry if it's in shit condition," Kylo told her, "It's kind of old."

She shook her head. "That's fine with me. I love dog eared books."

Kylo stood up and capped his water bottle before putting his pack back on his shoulders.

"I have to go. I've already fallen behind too far."

"Understood," Phasma nodded. "Give me a call when your ready to send that book back. Number's in the front cover."

"I'm not from the West Coast." Kylo told her.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes at him. "If I wanted a date I would have said to meet up some where. That's my favorite book, asshole. I'll want it back."

Kylo gave her a strained smile and a wave before he continued up the path. He wanted to go at least 3 more miles before it got dark. At the next check point he looked through the notebook for Hux's signature and instead found Phasma's. It was a quote from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He couldn't help but feel like he was suppose to take something away from it.

" _Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first story on Ao3, and certainly my first writing contribution to the Kylux community. I don't know how far this story will go, but I would certainly appreciate a review. I have no beta, so if you see any mistakes, let me know and I'll try to correct them. 
> 
> I don't have a lot of hiking experience outside of the Appalachian Trail (which was only a few miles when I was 10) and all info is things I'm remembering from the movie 'Wild' with Reese Witherspoon, which inspired this, and things I'm reading off the official PCTA website. If you have any pointers or recommendations, please let me know. 
> 
> That being said, if you want any tags added, I will be happy to add them.


	2. A Song To Pass The Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not actually a lot of the hiking adventure I had planned, but we meet Millicent, which is always nice.  
> Chapter title from Bright Eyes song of the same name. (See, I said it would be a theme.) It's a fun one, I recommend listening to the whole thing. They make fun of how horribly emo they are.

Kylo arrived in the next town exactly when he expected to. He had never felt so relieved in his life. First thing was first however, he had to check the post office. It wasn't too hard to find, it was a small town and the building was right next to town hall. He hurried up towards the building, careful to check the height of his gear before pulling on the door handle.

It didn't move.

He pulled harder.

He started pushing and pulling vigorously, but it still wouldn't open.

"What the fuck?" he growled out through his teeth.

He shoved at the door one last time before looking around and pulling at his phone. It didn't close this early, did it?

"It's Sunday."

He turned around to see some guy walking his dog on the sidewalk in front of the building.

"What?" Kylo asked.

The guy gave him a charming smile and it made Kylo feel like he was being mocked. His blood was already boiling, now he just wanted to punch something.

"You're one of the hikers, right? It's Sunday. Post office is closed."

Kylo just stared at him.

The small dog started pulling on it's leash to try and get moving again.

"My phone says it's Monday," Kylo said slowly, "I made sure it was correct in the last town I was in."

The guy shrugged.

"Sounds like it's wrong. Still Sunday. Still closed."

Kylo turned back to the door. It was dark inside the building, and there's was no sign of movement behind the glass. His shoulders slumped forward. But he had to get his stuff before he could keep going. He didn't want to stay in this town for the night, it was still early for him. Hux was probably miles ahead of him and he needed to catch up.

"Hey, guy?" the man called out to him. "Why not spend a night somewhere with an actual bed tonight? It's got to be better than in a tent, right?"

Kylo ignored him and started walking away, avoiding the sidewalk and the man as he passed.

Shit.

Fuck.

FUCK.

He was already so behind, but if he left without the package he knew was waiting for him he would run out of food days before the next post office.

He wondered how close the nearest airport was... He could fly back to Maine tonight and be home in the morning. Call Rey and tell her he was done. She could keep the rest of the money for college or something.

That would be the easiest thing to do right now. The smartest too. Risk of injury and death would decrease a lot if he quit now. God, he could throw it all away right now and not worry about it again. He could forget about it all. He doesn't need a hiking trip to get over his bullshit, and he certainly doesn't need to do it by sleeping with rocks digging into his back every night.

He could go home.

He could go back to work.

He could stop wasting his life and-

 

Fuck.

 

He sounds like his dad.

Kylo pulls out his phone and immediately googles the closest and cheapest motel.

He walks to it, because fuck if that's not what he's been doing for the past month and a half.

The guy at the desk looks like a zombie. He's pale as fuck and his eyes are filled with thin red veins, with yellow replacing the whites. He's probably on drugs, and Kylo feels the guy's too long nails scratch at his skin as he is handed the key to his room. He suppresses a shudder and heads off without saying thank you.

The room is small, big surprise, but it's not like he'll be there for more than a night and he can feel the shower calling for him.

God has he missed soap.

He shaves his beard while he's in front of the sink and considers chopping off his hair, but eventually decides against it. He always liked his hair longer, especially since it hides his ears better.

He's seen photos of his mother's side of the family, and they're all perfectly normal, wonderfully symmetrical, good looking people with normal ears so his are probably just another thing to blame on his dad. His hair color too, probably. Of course Kylo had to be the genetic freak of the family. Everyone else was perfectly blond/brunette, good looking, and mentally sound. Kylo inherited all the bullshit traits.

What a stupid thought to go to bed with.

 

Kylo woke up at 3 in the morning. Something was at his door and it didn't sound friendly. Of course, his first night in a bed in forever and he can't even get a full night of uninterrupted sleep.

The noise continued and Kylo had the urge to smash the lamp he knew was right in front of his face, but then he would have to pay for it... And he didn't exactly have a shit ton of cash on him at the moment. So instead he got up and went to the door. He tried the peep hole, but there was nothing in view.

It soundly like someone was kicking it, judging from how the sound was closer to the ground.

He unlocked the door and wrenched it open harder than he had actually meant to. It slammed against the wall and something darted into his room.

"The fuck-" Kylo spun around to try and catch sight of what it was, but he hadn't turned the light on when he got up.

Cautiously he closed the door and reached toward the light switch. As soon as the light came on, he saw what it was.

A cat.

A fucking cat.

And it was wearing a harness like the ones Kylo had seen some dogs, and on one occasion, a ferret, wear on walks.

It was big and orange, and Kylo had no clue what kind of person put a harness on a cat. It just stood on his bed and stared at Kylo with large green eyes.

It meowed.

Kylo wasn't sure what to make of that, so he reopened the door.

"Shoo." he said.

The cat did nothing. Kylo raised his arms and made as if he was lunging towards the cat.

"Get out!"

The cat sat down.

"Oh my god!" Kylo almost screamed and walked toward the cat with long strides.

It swiped at him when he reached for it, barely missing his hand. Kylo made a frustrated sound and stepped onto the bed. He had to bend over to keep his head from hitting the ceiling, and he gently nudged the cat towards the edge of the bed. It clawed at his foot, but luckily he was wearing relatively thick socks.

"C'mon, leave!"

The cat rolled onto it's back and showed all of it's claws. Kylo tapped it's stomach with his foot just to be a dick, and it grabbed onto him.

"Well, fuck."

He put his hands on the ceiling to keep his balance and slowly raised his foot. The cat clinging to him as it went up.

Kylo briefly considered jumping on one foot to the door right before the cat started violently climbing up his leg. He yelped as it continued it's way up. He could feel it's needle like claws through his pajama pants and he jumped down from the bed just at it was clawing it's way up his back side.

It stopped at his shoulders and Kylo ran out the door. He grabbed the cat, suffering the scratches on his arms in the process and set it down as gently as he could whilst trying not to freak the **_fuck_** out. The cat meowed loudly and Kylo ran back into his room slamming the door shut.

He peered out the peep hole, but the cat was too low for him to see, but he could hear it through the door. It meowed loudly.

Then the previous thumping continued.

Kylo put the chain lock in place and went back to bed.

God, he hated cats so much.

It was at least half an hour later that he heard a very relieved sounding voice say, "There you are!" and the cat stopped trying to break down the door.

Kylo waited five more minutes in the quiet dark before he finally sighed, closed his eyes and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! Expect more soon, we'll be back on the trail next chapter. Please write a review if you have the time.


	3. Weather Reports

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favorite chapter, but at least something happens.  
> Chapter title taken from a Bright Eyes song of the same title, as is the usual. Can you tell they're my favorite band?

Kylo wasn't able to get back on the trail until 10 in the morning, which was a late start for him. But he had more food and batteries, and his hair felt cleaner than it had in weeks. Over all, he couldn't bring himself to regret stopping, even if it meant losing a whole day. If anything he felt more motivated than before. The air felt cleaner than before and he was greatly enjoying the sound of twigs snapping underneath his feet.

The trees were getting thicker around him and Kylo could feel the air changing around him. He couldn't help it when his thoughts turned to Hux. Or rather the idea of Hux.

Hux and Kylo were walking the same trail. Hux hadn't started out ahead of him, if anything Hux had started a day or two after him, but at the beginning Kylo had been taking it slow. They would have been at the same point in the trail at the same time at some point. Stopping at the same camp site or resting spot. When Hux had pulled ahead, Kylo had noticed, he just hadn't noticed Hux himself... 

But then... Kylo didn't know Hux. When he tried to picture him, Kylo only saw a version of himself.

A faceless version.

One with a cat.

Obviously.

But someone with that same drive to complete this stupid trail, and someone who would pick out that one name in a book and decided, "Ah yes, this is my enemy."

Kylo didn't even know what to make of the situation he was in. Uncle Luke would be chiding him over his pettiness and how he wasn't taking the opportunity for what it was. This wasn't what the trip was meant to be about. It was about his dad, and himself, not some pointless race with a man he had never met.

Kylo's steps slowed down, getting lost in his thoughts.

Then it started raining.

"Fuck!" Kylo put his pack down to grab his rain gear.

His hair was already dripping by the time he got it out, the rain was coming down so hard. It was all he could hear or see.

And then, just as he got the rain coat on, he felt something strike him in the head, hard enough that his vision blacked out around the edges for a second.He braced himself on the ground for a moment before trying to stand. Before he could turn around and see what it was that struck him, it happened again, and this time he went down.

When he woke up again, he back was against a tree, his raincoat was still on and it was still raining, but now it was getting dark.

It was dusk and his pack was gone. Which meant all his gear and food was gone as well.

He'd been fucking _robbed_.

His head throbbed as he stood up, but he'd been through worse. He'd gotten into fights before, been put into the hospital at least twice. He checked the bump on his head, only some blood came away with his hand, nothing to be too concerned about at the moment. This was nothing. Once he had his bag back, he could take better care of it with his first aide kit.

He checked his pockets first. He still had his phone, which at least meant he had a flashlight. He used it now, looking at the ground of where he had been put. He was off the beaten path, behind a tree and his coat was a dark green so no one would have seen him unless they were actively looking.

He wondered if they had tried to kill him and just underestimated the thickness of his skull? It was definitely a planned attack, not done by a single person. No one looked at Kylo for the first time and thought, "Now there's someone I can take in a fight!"

For a split second he entertained the idea that it was Hux. If it was, Kylo would take his cat and drown it.

The trees blocked most of the heavy rain, but not enough to keep the ground dry and Kylo could see the footprints left behind in the mud. It was three sets of boot-prints. Most likely male, and definitely smaller than his own.

If anyone knew what Kylo was capable of, they wouldn't have even tried something like this on him. These fuckers were not going to get off easy.

He followed the footprints, back onto the trail for a few miles before they veered off once again.

His first fight had been with his father watching. He was a lanky, big-eared kid with bad acne and too many facial moles in high school. It made him an easy target and it had bother his father more than was probably normal. Kylo had often come home feeling ashamed that his dad had to see him with a bloody nose and another note from a teacher explaining what had happened.

It was after school in a parking lot that his dad told him to put his fists up and defend himself. It quickly went past defense however, and Kylo had punched out three of his bully's teeth, as well as given him two black eyes and nearly irreparable damage to the side of the kid's face where he had slammed it on the concrete repeatedly.

His dad had pulled him off kicking and screaming, and his face covered in tears and snot as Kylo had gone into hysterics. Luckily his mother was a defense attorney. He'd had a restraining order put against him and had to change schools, but he'd avoided juvie and that was all that mattered.

The fighting hadn't stopped however. Kylo had figured out how to stop bullying, he wasn't going to let anyone get the better of him again.

Which brings him to his current bullies.

The ones that stole everything that was keeping him alive and left him in the wilderness with a head wound.

He could see the lights of their campsite. He could hear their laughter.

So he waited.

He played on his phone until the light went out and the only sound was snoring. Then, he got up from where was crouched and slowly made his way toward the tents.

His pack was against a tree, it was open and all of his things were scattered on the ground. He rummaged through what was there to find the wire he brought with him. He quietly checked inside each tent with the low light of his phone.

No sign of a cat anywhere.

Kylo wouldn't admit it, but he was relieved. He wasn't sure what he would really do if it had actually been Hux who had assaulted him. He wasn't even sure what he would have been capable of doing... But with these thugs? He knew exactly what he wanted to do.

With the wire he tied the zippers of two of the tents tightly together so if one was pulled to unzip the tent, the other would immediately zip it back up. Then he slowly unzipped the third. Then he quietly zipped it back up and turned to face the person in the sleeping bag.

"Hmm...? Slip, that you?"

"No." Kylo said.

 

 

The next morning, Kylo was back on the trail. His hands were bandaged over his knuckles and his cheekbone was bruised on the left side. His pack was heavy on his back and his stomach was full from his larger than usual breakfast that morning. His new friends were kind enough to share their own rations with him the night before.

Kylo breathed deeply and smiled to himself. He liked the smell of the air after it rained.

Up ahead he noticed the next check point, and brought out Phasma's book. He flipped through it before he stopped at a quote he liked.

He pulled out the notebook and flipped through it. He saw Hux's signature along with Millicent's cat paw and Kylo was in such a good mood he didn't even feel angry about it. Instead he wrote down his quote right below Hux's name.

 

_“I'd far rather be happy than right any day.”_

 

And then he signed his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review! I'm waiting for my copy of a PCT guide and Wild by Cheryl Strayed to arrive at my library. So hopefully next chapter will have a bit more, trail-wise.


	4. The Joy In Forgetting / The Joy In Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo talks to his mom. 
> 
> Chapter title taken, once again, from a Bright Eyes song of the same title.
> 
> Some mention of mental illness and vaguely implied past suicidal tendencies. I suppose you could interpret some feeling Kylo goes through as dysphoria, seeing as his mother keeps calling him by the wrong name. (It's how I'm feeling right now, it probably bled through. Woops.)

There's no more room for distractions. No more races, no more Hux or his cat, this trip was now about Kylo. He was going to enjoy himself. He was going to pace himself. He was going to think about his dad. He would complete this bullshit trail and be in Canada where his uncle would pick him up. He had to forget everything else.

Looking out at the trees surrounding him as he made his way down a rocky hill, Kylo couldn't help but think this would be a lot easier if he was a bit less like his father. His dad didn't tolerate this nature shit, and Kylo didn't either. Neither of them ever had the patience for it.

Kylo came to a wide, but shallow river and sat down on a large rock near the edge. He dropped his pack and proceded to unlace his boots as he looked around. No marker here. He wasn't even sure if he was close to the next one and he was starting to wonder if it even really mattered at this point. He was ahead of Hux, he knew that, but now that he had decided to stop acting like this was a race, he was trying to lose track of himself as much as possible.

Kylo stretched out his long legs and let his feet rest in the cool water. He sighed deeply and pulled Phasma's book out of his bag. If he was going to do this, reading was probably the best way to go. He could replace Hux with comedy space adventures. Yeah. That'll work.

It did.

For five minutes.

He put the book away and then pulled out his phone instead. He had two bars. He decided to call his mother.

"Ben?"

Kylo said nothing as he felt his jaw tighten and his throat close slightly.

"Shi- Sorry, Kylo? Kylo, I'm sorry."

"Mom." he said, deciding not to say anything about her calling him by the wrong name. It happened a lot anyway. Maybe she thought he was used to it.

"Why are you calling? Aren't you in California?"

"I'm in Oregon, actually."

"You're not giving up, are you? Do you need me to send Rey to get you?"

"No. I'm not done."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

There was a pause.

"So why did you decide to call?"

Kylo thought for a moment and then decided to go with the most obvious answer.

"I was hoping we could talk. About Han?"

Another pause. Quieter than before, whatever she had been doing she had stopped in that moment.

"Sure. What do you want to know?"

"I don't know. I'm just trying to think about him. Trying to process losing him, I guess."

"Oh, Ben."

Kylo took the phone away from his ear. There was a weird ghost of a pain traveling down his spine at the name. It was worse the second time. This wasn't a good decision, he knew that now. He braced himself and put the phone back to his ear.

"Mom, nevermind. I should get going-"

"No, I'm sorry, I forgot. I keep forgetting."

"It's fine." It wasn't fine.

"I'm sorry, Kylo. To be fair, I don't exactly get a chance to use it much. I don't see you."

"I know." That's not his fault.

"So, let's start this over."

"Okay." He wanted to hang up.

"Kylo, do you remember anything good about your father?"

Kylo snorted. "Not really."

"Nothing? Not even from when you were little?"

"You two weren't exactly around much when I was little."

"You know he gave you your teddy bear, right?"

"The one his dog tore up."

Indie chewed on everything he got his mouth on, Kylo can't really blame Han for that one.

"Kylo..."

"Yes, Mom, I do know."

"Kylo... I'm not the therapist in the family, that's Luke."

"I know, but so far his methods haven't been helping much."

"Yeah, they never worked much for me either. He told me I should take more time off work and spend it in our house. Going through things. He said it would be good for me."

Kylo grimaced. His mom was someone who couldn't be cooped up anywhere for too long. Kylo was pretty sure she even slept in a different room every night.

"That doesn't mean this trip won't work for you. At the very least you can brag you walked the entire thing."

"Yeah."

"Kylo, what have you been thinking about on this trip?"

Kylo shrugged even though Leia couldn't see it.

"I dunno. Different stuff. Food rationing. Han sometimes. Mostly how stupid this trip is. This guy who's trying to beat me to the end of the trail."

"You're racing someone?"

"Yeah."

"And you know this person?"

"Uh... No. But it's kind of obvious... There are these things left for people to sign, we usually sign next to each other. He called me a dick one time."

"Shocking." she deadpanned.

"Mom..." This was not how he wanted this conversation to go.

"Sorry, but you can be. You know racing isn't really the point of hiking, right?"

"I know, I'm trying to stop."

He heard his mother sigh on the other end. "So, when you think of your father where do your thoughts usually go?"

"No where good. Genetics, I guess. I don't look like you. I don't really look like him either, but-"

"Yes, you do."

"Sure. Right, because his mouth is too wide for his face, and he has moles everywhere, and his hair is dark enough it looks black. Right. Not to mention the height thing-"

"First of all, yes, Han always had a big mouth, maybe not out of poportion, but you certainly inherited his lips. And he does- did, I mean, he did have moles everywhere, he just didn't have them in obvious places. The height you got from your grandfather, you know that. You look a lot like Han, Kylo. You're just looking too closely at yourself."

"I keep thinking about how..." He wasn't sure how to put this next part. It might be too personal for a conversation with Leia. "...About how maybe I wouldn't have all this mental shit going on if it wasn't for him."

"Han isn't to blame for your bipolar disorder, Kylo."

"I know that logically, but-"

"Kylo, it's not Han's fault. It's my fault."

Kylo looks down at his feet. They're buried under rocks and pebbles now. The stones gently scrape against the calloused skin of his heels as he pushes them deeper.

"What do you mean?"

"I have it, too. I was just... Diagnosed after you."

"What?"

"Han didn't give you anything, Kylo. Mental illness runs through my side of the family. Your grandfather, me, Luke... And you."

"You never told me." Why hadn't she told him?

"You wouldn't take my calls at first... And then Han passed and it wasn't the right time. If anything, we wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for your father. He was the one who insisted on all the doctors. I thought he was overreacting."

"You thought..." He always thought it was his mother who decided on therapy. She was the one who took him to the appointments.

"I did. You should have seen him, Kylo. He was so worried. He was on the phone with your uncle almost every night asking about symptoms and treatments. He wanted you to be able to feel normal."

"He made me feel worse." The way Han had looked at him was enough to make him feel like he fucked up. Talking about it was worse.

"I never said he was good at it... But he was trying really hard. When you left, he was _terrified_ you would turn up dead on the news."

Kylo almost had, but he wasn't going to tell her that. This was quickly going somewhere he wasn't ready to go.

"Mom, I... I think I should go."

"Okay."

"I um... I don't want to make promises... But next time I have a signal, I'll uh..."

"You don't have to."

"I do have to. I should, anyway. I don't know if I will. You know how I am, but... I might call you again."

"Okay, honey."

"Bye, Mom."

"Bye, Kylo."

He hung up. He looked at his phone and suppressed the urge to throw it in the water. That was stupid. Everything was so fucking stupid.

Fuck.

He put it back into his bag and picked up the book again. None of the words registered however, he was too busy grappling with the fact that Han actually tried. He tried to save him. Even though it wasn't enough, he **tried** and that was more than Kylo thought he ever did. More than he thought Han was even willing to do.

"Shit." Kylo said, and pressed a hand against his forehead, trying to suppress everything in his mind.

He nearly fell into the water when he felt something brush up against his hand that was holding the book. His start was halted by anger however when he saw what it was.

" ** _You!_** " he growled as he looked down at the harnessed cat he had to deal with during his stay at the motel.

The cat meowed.

"Ugh, what the fuck," Kylo said as he stood up, and got out of the water. "What are you even doing here?"

The cat didn't respond, it just jumped up to the spot Kylo had just stood up from. Kylo noticed it had a leash trailing behind it this time, so the cat was probably not meant to be wandering on it's own. Kylo looked around as he dragged his socks and boots back on. He was the only one here.

The cat meowed again.

"I don't have anything for you." Kylo told it, putting everything back in his bag where it belonged.

It hopped off the stone and into the water, deciding it apparently was thirsty.

Kylo quietly put his pack back on and headed for the trail as quickly as he could. The cat wasn't his responsibility. And the last thing he wanted was for it to get attached to him.

It seemed too late however, as the cat noticed him leaving and quickly moved to follow him.

Kylo picked up the pace.

This didn't work.

Kylo stopped walking an stared down at the large orange cat. "Aren't cats suppose to be independent? Leave me alone."

The cat pawed at his leg and meowed.

"I hate you," Kylo said, and bent down to pick it up.

It quickly squirmed out of his arms however, and instead climbed behind his head and settle in the space between his neck and his pack.

It started purring and Kylo had a sense that he just failed a very important life test.

"Fine. But I'm handing you off to the next ranger I see."

Kylo started walking again, very determinedly ignoring the orange tail that curled around his neck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are my own, so please be sure to review! Research is so not fun guys, I have read so much and watched so many videos, but I don't think it's helping. I'm so not a writer.


	5. I'll Be Your Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo now has a cat!
> 
> Chapter title taken from Bright Eyes once again.

Kylo Ren hated every morning he woke up while on the Pacific Crest Trail. He hated quite a few of them off the trail as well, but during his hike he hated them even more.

His alarm goes off at 6:30 every morning, and he lays there for an hour before he finally pulls himself out of his tent and makes a small fire to cook breakfast over. Then he forces down the cheapest and blandest oatmeal before putting the fire out, packing all of his things and starting walking again.

He didn't think he could hate waking up even more than he already did, but of course now he had to add an animal to the equation.

The large orange cat refused to sleep anywhere besides right under Kylo's chin. It layed itself across his chest forced it's head right under his jaw and started purring. It felt like someone was using a dull saw blade on his throat and Kylo struggled to get to sleep with it so loud. Unfortunately, every time he had tried to shove the cat away it dug it's claws into his neck and Kylo couldn't move it without injury.

So now this was his morning.

Kylo wakes up to a rumbling cat five times before his alarm goes off. When it does, he lays there for two hours before he is sure the cat suspects nothing and he shoves it off and traps it in his sleeping bag. Since Kylo is usually still halfway in the sleeping bag, this means he suffers scratches and bites all over his legs for it before he quickly makes his way outside. He starts a fire, cooks bland oatmeal while the large fuzzy creature rubs itself all over him, getting hair in his food. Kylo then digs out his tuna that he usually saves for lunch and lets the cat eat it while he packs up all of his things and puts the fire out. Then he pours his water into the empty can for the cat to drink out of and starts walking away. The cat finishes drinking and catches up with him, uncerimoniously jumping on his pack, making Kylo temporarily lose his balance as it claws it's way up. The cat kneeds at the back of his neck before it decides it's comfortable enough and starts purring again.

It has been five days with this new variation of routine and this morning, Kylo doesn't move at all.

He stays where he is, flat on his back, looking at the sun slowly move across the ceiling of his tent and let's the cat walk all over him.

It paws at his face and he ignores it.

It meows loudly and he ignores it.

He feels very tired. More exhausted than he had felt the entire trip.

Kylo thinks he knows why, and while his mental bullshit has a lot to do with it, he also knows that Hux is a part of it too.

Kylo has been moving slowly since he had decided to stop racing the bastard to the finish, but for some reason every time he checks a log book, Hux's signature isn't there. Given their matched pacing before, so evenly paced they were only missing each other by a mile at the most, the lack of signatures can only mean one thing;

Hux quit the trail.

And now Kylo is alone. Which is such a fucked up way to think about it. He doesn't even know the guy, but Kylo would be lying to himself if he said that Hux wasn't a big part of why he wanted to complete it. He wanted to see that fucker's face and watch as it became furious at the very site of Kylo Ren existing and beating him at something he very clearly took pride in.

But if Hux stopped,that is, if Hux had decided to go home, that moment wasn't going to happen. He wasn't going to get that satisfaction.

Kylo had been holding out hope for a week now. He had thought that if he slowed down enough, if he took longer breaks and ate his food slower, maybe Hux would pass him. Maybe it wouldn't be over yet and Kylo could get that satisfaction. He knew now that it was hopeless. Hux could have gotten hurt, someone in his family could have died, or maybe his job needed him desperately to come in during his vacation. Any number of things could have sent Hux home and Kylo would have no idea, because Hux was nothing to him. Kylo was nothing to Hux.

The cat meowed at Kylo and Kylo turned it's head towards it. He eyed it up and down from where it sat a foot away from his head, the light from outside the tent illuminating it's fur so much that there was an orange glow around it.

"You're hungry." Kylo stated.

The cat said nothing, but Kylo could hear a faint rumbling coming from it. Whether is was it's stomach or it was just purring again, he wasn't sure. Kylo sighed heavily and looked back up at the tent's ceiling.

"Okay." he said.

He waited five more minutes, until the cat meowed again and Kylo very slowly sat up. He could practically feel gravity fighting against him as he shuffled out of his sleeping bag and towards the tent opening. He felt it pull against the space just below his ribs and on his spine, but he powered through it.

Kylo fetched his water bottle and a can of tuna and climbed back inside. He opened the can and gave it to the cat as he sat down on his sleeping bag and drank from his bottle.

He wanted to go back to bed. He wanted to stay there until it was night and then stay there all through tomorrow, but the heaviness in his limbswas different now. It was the kind that told him it was time to move. His weird heavy spell was broken and now Kylo had no choice but to get back on the trail. It took him much longer than usual to pack everything up.

Kylo hefted his pack onto his back and bent down slightly.

"C'mon, cat." he said and the cat was quick to jump onto him, finding much less of a struggle than it was used to.

 

"Can cats eat oatmeal?" Kylo asked that night into his cellphone.

"Um, I think so." Leia said slowly.

Kylo hadn't even given her a chance to say hello when he called. He was running low on tuna and he wanted to get a second opinion before he decided to text Rey about sending more.

Kylo was currently sitting in a latrine on the floor outside of a stall. The wind had picked up severely outside and the cat had been digging it's claws especially hard. Kylo usually powered through these kinds of things, but it was getting late enough that stopping seemed like a better option.

"Thanks that helps." Kylo said and started rummaging through his bag again.

"Do you have a cat with you?" Leia asked, and she sounded worried.

"Yeah, some hipster's cat was following me and I decided to not let it starve, but I'm running out of tuna for it."

"Kylo, you can't feed cats tuna."

Kylo stopped abruptly. He looked over at the creature that was currently licking itself.

"What do you mean? It's a cat, cats eat fish."

"Canned tuna is a bit different, son. For one, there's mercury in it which isn't good, and for another, cats need certain nutrients that tuna can't give them."

"What the fuck does that mean? It's fucking fish!" Kylo stood up and moved towards where the cat was. It looked okay, not like it was dying or sick or anything. "Am I killing this cat?! Mom?!"

"Calm down! I'm sure it's fine, just stop giving it tuna and it'll be alright."

"What the fuck, Mom? Why don't they teach us this shit is school or something?"

"Cat care isn't exactly a curriculum, kiddo."

"Jesus Christ, what if I never called you? What the hell do I feed it now?"

"Well, oatmeal isn't exactly the best thing for it to eat either, maybe you can get some cat food?"

"From where?" Kylo asked as calmly as he could, which wasn't by much. Could someone sue him over canned tuna? Thank god Leia's a lawyer...

"I have no clue. Where are you right now?"

"Still in Oregon. A mountain somewhere. I haven't been keeping track."

"Are you dressed warm?"

Kylo rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm fine. The cat keeps me warm."

"Oh, well then..." A pause. "Does it have a name?"

Kylo looked down at it. He had already checked for a collar, but all there was was some sort of serial number he couldn't do anything with.

"Not really. It doesn't seem to care much when call it Cat."

"Well... Have you tried finding the owner?"

"Uhhh... "

"Kylo, you can't keep the cat."

"Well, sure maybe not forever, but I figured when I was done with the trail I would drop it off at a pound or something-"

"Kylo, someone is probably looking for it. What do you mean by some hipster?"

"It has a leash, Mom. Only douchebag hipsters walk their cats on leashes."

Leia snorted. "Just don't get too attached to it, son. I know how much of a wreck you were after Indie died."

"I hated that dog."

"No, you didn't," she told him, he couldn't say much to that. His mother saw him cry when they had to put him down. And Kylo was an ugly crier.

"Fine, maybe I didn't, but this is different. I don't even know if it's a boy or girl."

"Whatever you say. I have to go, Ben," Leia said, far more calmly that Kylo felt at hearing her say _**it**_. "I'm meeting Wedge and Luke for dinner. Stay safe."

"Mom-" Kylo started.

She hung up.

"...My name isn't Ben. It's Kylo."

He was talking to no one. He dropped the phone on the floor and reached out to the cat.

The cat meowed, and Kylo pulled it into his lap. He sighed and ran his hands over it's curved back.

"I'm sorry I don't know your name," he told it as it purred in his arms. "Names are important."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found the best goddamn source for hiking info. It's a podcast called Sounds of the Trail and it's such a good source! It's modern and very human and I've only listened to three episodes but I've already learned a lot! Anyway, thanks for all the feedback you all have been giving me! I'm always happy to receive comments.


	6. An Attempt To Tip The Scales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit guys, I'm so glad I procrastinated with this chapter. 
> 
> Armitage.
> 
> ARMITAGE.
> 
> Chapter title again taken from a Bright Eyes song of the same name. Sorry this one is shorter than the last!
> 
> (A r m i t a g e)

Kylo was practically running the trail at this point. It was steadily turning from daylight to dusk and Kylo had to hurry before the post office closed. He had managed to contact Rey after he had his enlightening talk with his mother, and she had sent cat food with his next package, minimal questions asked. The cat had moved from his shoulder to a partically unzipped pocket of his pack that he had emptied out the day before. It was easier for both of them, the cat didn't have to fight to keep balance at Kylo's much faster pace, and Kylo didn't have to feel sharp nails digging into his neck and shoulders.

He felt frantic in his race to the practically isolated cabin that held his things, it was only a matter of time before they closed and Kylo didn't have the patience to wait til morning. He passed three grouped together hikers at fast pace before he finally saw his destination.

He practically sprinted to the cabin and tried to turn the doorknob, but it didn't budge.

"Fuck!"

He punched the door, and went up to the window next to the door. He looked through it and banged on the windows until the person inside turned. Kylo could hear him say, though muffled by the glass, "We're closed."

Kylo banged again. "C'mon man! I need my food!"

The guy stepped closer to the window. "We're closed." he said again.

Kylo closed his eyes and breathed deeply. No need to get mad, it's fine. Everything is fine. He opened his eyes again and held up three fingers.

"Three minutes, man! Three fucking minutes!"

Kylo saw the man, shake his head and mouth 'Jesus Christ', before he went over to the door and unlocked it.

"Fine," he said. "But don't go telling every other goddamn hiker on the trail, I won't be able to close at all then. Now, what's your package under?"

"Should be Kylo Ren." Kylo told him and stepped past him.

"That's a weird ass name..." the guy mumbled as he went behind the counter to look for the package.

Kylo rolled his eyes and looked around. He could feel the cat shifting in it's pocket, so he reached behind him and patted it to keep it still. It didn't work, but what ever. Kylo made his way over to the bulletin board and looked at what was posted. A lot of lost items. An expensive pair of hiking boots, someone's pink umbrella, a case of beer for some reason, and...

And...

"Fuck."

Kylo ripped the flyer off of the board and stared at the picture of a large orange cat that took up half the page.

"Lost Cat: orange tabby, 13" long, 12 1/3 pounds. Female. Last seen wearing a blue harness and leash, can usually be found by water, answers to Millicent."

"Oh." Kylo breathes.

"Here's your package, sir. I just need you to sign for it, then leave." the man who was holding Kylo's things said as he came back out.

"Right," Kylo muttered and quicky stuffed the paper into his pocket. "Thanks."

Kylo left as fast as he possibly could. He found a clearing several yards away and gently put his pack down next to his package. The cat- Millicent- left her- pocket and meandered towards him looking for affection and probably food.

He ripped open the package first and sorted through his things until he found the cat food, which he quickly opened and left for her to eat. She butted against him, purring, before turning her attention toward the food.

Kylo pulled the flyer back out of his pocket.

Millicent. What a stupid fucking name.

"Millicent." he said out loud and felt an ache in his chest when the cat turned to look at him.

"Guess, I better call your owner..." he muttered and turned back to the flyer.

"... Cat is experienced with the Pacific Crest Trail, may be found walking path on her own. If found, please return her to Armitage Hux at-"

Kylo looked at Millicent, then back at the flyer. Then back to Millicent. "What the actual fuck is happening right now?"

He bent down and picked up Millicent's paw. She didn't noticeably react, but her claws extended as he looked at her dirty pink beans. It was a large paw, about the exact size he had seen on log books at nearly every check point he had signed at.

"Jesus Christ."

Kylo pulled out his phone. It was dead. How absolutely fucking convenient.

"Okay, we'll figure this out," he told Millicent. "We'll backtrack. We'll head back towards the border, and find Hux," he picked her up and put her face up to his. "You'll recognize him, right? He's your owner, you'll want to see him again?"

Millicent meowed, trying to wriggle out of his grip, so he set her down back to her food before she decided to scratch him.

"Oh, Christ. I actually have to talk to him."

When Kylo imagined them meeting, he never thought they would actually have to exchange words. He thought that there would be glaring from Hux and smirks from himself. He wouldn't even know what to say in THAT situation, much less this one.

"What if I just made it seem like you found him on your own?" he asked the cat.

She was too busy eating to respond.

Kylo looked back at the flyer and snorted.

"Armitage," he scoffed. "Even what Leia calls me is better than that."

Turning around while this far into Oregon was possibly the most painful thing Kylo has ever had to do. Which was saying something considering some of the things he'd had to do in the past.

"My uncle never told me this hike would ruin my life." he grumbled to an indifferent Millicent.

But ruining it, it was. He legs ached, his knees threatened to give out, his back felt like it was breaking slowly, and he wasn't even sure he had feet anymore. And the fact that all his hardwork was being indone for a cat? For some dick he didn't even like? That was what hurt the most.

Kylo had stopped doing things for a other people a long time ago, and for good reason. No one ever gave back. They take and take and then spit on you as they walk by. That was the way of the world. Even Millicent was like that. He was feeding her, giving her his own rations, carrying her around like she was some sort of royalty, not to mention losing sleep so she could be comfortable. And what was Kylo getting in return? Nothing. Cat fur in his mouth. Piss on his shoes. A foul odor in his sleeping bag.

Kylo shouldn't even be bothered with this.

And yet...

She also gave him a reason to wake up. She gave him companionship. Affection. Something he had refused even at his father's funeral.

Maybe he felt like he deserved it again. All the work he puts into keeping her alive is what he needs to do in order to feel like... Like, maybe... Maybe he's needed somewhere. Maybe he matters to someone.

Kylo reached back and scratched at the base of Millicent's skull.

"I hate cats." he told her, and continued on his way back towards the border.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, my undying inspiration comes from the Sound of the Trail podcast. It's so good, I've learned so much about through hiking!! And about how it will basically ruin you, so you don't do it?? But also do it.
> 
> Kylo makes a bit of a huge decision in a small amount of tie without really thinking it through. But what else is new? You can probably guess who is going to be in the next chapter. His name is fucking Armitage HOLY SHIT.
> 
> I honestly think it's the best name ever, because who the hell would have thought of that? I blame Pablo, you guys. He's been conspiring against us.
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know if I fucked anything up! I always like reading your comments! I think I'm getting better at responding! And hey, if you want to have a conversation about Star Wars, Kylux, Amritage, anything, I have my Star Wars blog. ihatekyloren.tumblr.com (I'm honestly shocked it wasn't taken already.)


	7. A New Arrangement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Hux makes his actual debut! Trying to not reread it anymore in case I suddenly hate it. I rewrote this chapter so much, and I enjoy weirdly flirty dialogue more than the emo whatever I had before.
> 
> Chapter title is once again a Bright Eyes song title. (speaking of emo, HA.)

"Christ, fuck." Kylo moaned as he sat down on the ground, taking a very well deserved break.

He had practically doubletimed it in his backtrack, and he could tell he was aproaching the border in good time, but the pace was hell on his body. His entire being felt inflamed from exhertion and even Millicent seemed a little harrowed from the journey.

Kylo stretched backwards, feeling even more pain, before flopping on his back in the dirt. Millicent came over and stepped onto his chest. As soon as his hand met her head she started purring. He sighed deeply as he absently pet her behind the ears.

"I should just keep you." he mumbled.

It wouldn't be hard. Just head back North. Take her home to Portland, never come back to the West Coast. Kylo frowned remembering that that had been his original plan when he left in the first place. Never come back, but where was he now? Didn't matter how far away he went, he'd be coming back either way. Maybe if Rey got married, or his mom died, or his uncle told him that he was needed here for some important project...

He sighed deeply and pet Millicent's fur from tail to head. She let out a noise and hopped off of him. He sat up and watched as she glared at him.

"Don't be like that, I didn't know you didn't want that!" he said, but she still looked betrayed. He reached out for her, but she darted away.

"Wait, Millicent!" he called and stood up as quickly as his dead legs would let him.

But he was too late, she ran off into the brush and Kylo was forced to leave his things behind as he ran after her.

"Nononono! No! FUCK!" he yelled as he ran, using his leg length to his advantage. When he reached a clearing he stopped and looked around. No movement to show where she had gone. He cupped his hands around his mouth, "MILLICENT!" he called.

There was movement to his left and he quickly ran in that direction. "Oh my god, oh my god!" he said as he saw her trying to climb a tree. "Oh, thank god!"

He quickly grabbed her and tried to pull her off the trunk of the tree. She hissed at him, but he carefully extracted her anyway and held her close to his chest. "Oh, man, don't do that! You don't get to escape like that!" he scolded her and she meowed and squirmed , trying to escape but he kept her close. "C'mon, we have to go-"

Kylo was hit in the head for a second time on this trip, though this time was much harder than the last and he fell to the ground sideways. He held onto Millicent tight, curving his body so he didn't accidentally fall on her the best he could under the circumstances. He blacked out for a split second as his head his the ground. He heard Millicent cry out and he pet her clumsily.

"You're okay." he told her quietly, looking up at the tree tops. The world was spinning and Kylo didn't know what to do other than stroke Millicent and keep her close.

But... There were hands on his own, trying to pry him away from her. "No, don't-"

"Let go of my fucking cat!"

Kylo blinked. "Oh." he said. "Armitage?"

The hands stopped trying for a second and Kylo tried to lift his head. He saw orange, but assumed that was just the cat struggling in his arms.

"... Don't call me that." Armitage said. "It's Hux. Only Hux."

"I was looking for you." Kylo told him.

Hux snorted. "Sure you were, that's why you were attacking my cat, was it?"

"No, she ran away for some reason. I had to get her back, I backtracked to try and give her back to you. Wait, I have..."

Kylo kept one hand on Millicent's back and reached into his sweatshirt pocket to pull out the flyer.

Hux snatched it out of his hands and looked it over.

"Mitaka had to go and put all my information on it, didn't he...?" There was a sound of paper ripping. "Why the hell didn't you just call me?"

"Phone died."

"Of course." Hux said, and it sounded like... He was blaming Kylo?

Kylo tried to lift his head again, this time things were in more focus and he could see that the orange had actually been Hux's head. His hair was nearly as long as Kylo's, and very bright orange. He had a much fuller beard than Kylo himself had. Not that Kylo really could grow a full beard, but whatever...

Kylo started laughing.

"Christ, how hard did I hit you?" Hux asked.

Kylo grinned. "You know what they say about owners looking like their pets?"

"Not hard enough, then." Hux muttered to himself and scowled down at Kylo. "Let go of my cat, you prick."

Kylo rubbed his thumb in circles through Millicent's fur. "You should thank me."

"What?"

"Say thank you. I walked a long way to give you your cat. Thank me."

"Fine." Hux growled out. "Thank you kindly, Stranger, for returning my cat."

"You don't know who I am?" Kylo asked.

"No and I don't really care." Hux told him and finally pried Kylo's hand off of Millicent. "Now give her back."

"Okay." Kylo told him, and dropped his head back. He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Wait, _fuck_ , don't do that!" Hux told him and he sounded farther away.

Kylo ignored him until he felt a kick in his side. "Fuck off." Kylo told him. "You have your cat, leave me alone."

"I can't, you might have a concussion."

"I don't. I can usually tell."

"Oh, well, have a lot of experience in that?" Hux asked sarcastically.

Kylo nodded. "Jumped out of a moving car when I was 12 and hit my head on a rock."

Well, that was a bit too personal, maybe there really was something wrong with his head?

"Also, I got knocked out a few weeks ago and I was fine. You didn't even make me black out the whole way."

"If anything, that makes it worse. C'mon, get up. I have to keep an eye on you."

"Dude, I am so tired, I honestly don't think I could move if I wanted to."

"If you get up, I'll let you hold her again."

Kylo snorted. "She'd come to me anyway. The only reason I had her was because she wouldn't leave me alone."

Hux didn't reply to that.

"So who are you then?" Hux asked instead.

"Matt." Kylo told him grinning up at him.

Hux raised an eyebrow. "You're full of shit. What's your real name?"

"Are you accusing me of lying?"

"Yes, I am, so tell me."

Kylo hestitated. He looked at Millicent who he could tell was content to be back in Hux's arms. Fuck it.

"It's Kylo. Kylo Ren."

Hux stared at him for 20 seconds and then kicked dirt into Kylo's face. "You look uglier than I imagined."

"You imagined me?"

"You are possibly the worst person to do this hike. Do you realize that? You don't appreciate anything about it, you quote awful books, you steal cats, I know it was you who attacked those hikers, and you-"

Kylo sat up fully, ignoring the pain in his head. "Me? The worst? The only reason I had your cat is because she wouldn't leave me alone. I swear to you, once I saw that flyer I came to give her back. Plus, that book was my father's favorite, alright? I don't like it either, but he did. And the only reason I went after those FUCKERS is because they attacked me and stole all my gear. I wouldn't have survived if I hadn't. And as for appreciating this **shit** hike, I'm trying, okay? I don't do this sort of thing! I don't hike! I'm only here because my uncle-"

"What do you mean you don't hike?" Hux interrupted.

"I just don't. This is my first time-"

"I'm sorry, what? Your first time hiking? And you're doing a THROUGH hike? Are you insane?"

Kylo gave him a bemused look. "Well, that depends on-"

Hux dropped to the ground next to Kylo. "My god, how are you not dead?"

"Well, my cousin has been sending me-"

"You haven't even given up yet? You actually backtracked? You must be dying."

"I mean... Yeah, it feels like it."

"But you're coherent? You even look like you have a decent amount of weight on you still. Were you fat when you started?"

"Rude." Kylo laughed. "No, I'm about the same as when I started. My legs might have more muscle though, if they aren't completely torn off the bone of course."

"Do you have shinsplints?"

"Nah, I was exaggerating. I haven't had that since 10th grade."

"Are you sure this is your first hike?" Hux narrowed his eyes. "You've been keeping pace with me quite well, and I'm an experienced through hiker. I do this every year."

"That sounds like torture."

"It is in a way. But it's not too bad. My friend and I start in different directions and meet in the middle. Millicent comes with me nearly every year. I left her behind when I did the Appalachian Trail. She doesn't like traveling in her carrier, so I left her with my mother."

"Is this the first time she ran away?" Kylo asked, reaching up to scratch under Millicent's chin like she likes him to.

"She didn't run away," Hux insisted. "She got lost and then you kidnapped her."

"Catnapped."

"Dear lord, you're even more annoying than I thought." Hux grumbled.

"You're nothing like I thought." Kylo told him. "Neither is Millicent."

Hux hummed at that. "I try to defy expectations."

"That's exhausting. I make everyone lower theirs."

"Your parents must love you." Hux said, somewhat bitterly. "Well. This was a lovely chat, but if you'll excuse me, I have to make some calls and then kick your ass to the end of the trail."

"You think so, huh? I would already be there by now if it weren't for your orange fuzzball. I'm going to kick your ass, Hux."

Hux snorted and grinned. "Sure you will. First time hiker beating me? We'll see about that. You should get some sleep, Kylo Ren. This backtrack must have you exhausted."

"You know what?" Kylo said, getting to his feet, only losing his balance slightly. "I think maybe I **_do_ ** have a concussion. We should stay together, make sure I don't bleed out my eyes or something."

Hux stood as well, but his smile gone from his face. "I don't pair up when hiking, Kylo Ren. I go alone, and you just said that you'd had worse. I'm sure you'll be fine."

"But if I'm not, do you really want that on your conscience?" Kylo asked smugly.

Hux eyed him up and down, and Kylo noted with some childish pleasure that he was taller. "I've had worse things keeping me up at night that some inexperienced idiot getting himself killed."

"Technically, you hit me in the head. You'll be my murderer if I die."

"Like I said, I've done worse." It sounded like a threat.

"Well, now I'm too intrigued. You'll have to tell me all about it on our way to Canada."

Kylo reached his arms out to Millicent and she squirmed away from Hux and to him. Hux looked livid. Kylo just let her climb onto his shoulder, and walked off back to where he had left his things.

"Are you coming or not?" he called back.

He heard the ginger huff haughtily and grab his own things. Then, miraculously, he started to follow Kylo.

"This is only because I'm not letting you steal her a second time." he justified.

"C'mon, I'm already beating you." Kylo called back, and when he turned his head to look at Hux Millicent whacked him in the face with her tail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the regular support you guys have been giving me! I know a few of you were looking forward to this moment, I hope it was satisfactory enough for you. I'm hoping Hux is juuuust enough of a jerk that he's believable. I appreciate any and all feedback!
> 
> Feel free to come talk to me on tumblr! Regular blog (gravitydefyinghair.tumblr.com) or Star Wars blog (ihatekyloren.tumblr.com), I'm desperate for attention either way. :)


	8. Bad Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is time... for angst. Kylo's angst, Hux's angst, but not Millicent's angst because she has none. 
> 
> Quick warning for mention of past surgery, such as organ removal and spinal surgery, and injury during combat. It's mentioned, not a whole lot of detail other than what organs were removed and how they were damaged. Hux served in the army, no guro stuff happening here. It's not that kind of AU.
> 
> Chapter title once again credited to Bright Eyes.

"Would you _**slow down**_?" Armitage Hux called as Kylo kept pace ahead of him.

"I thought we were trying to see who would reach the end first?" Kylo laughed at him, turning around to walk backwards.

Hux was glaring at him, his face was turning red underneath the mass of tangled red hair. Kylo could not help but grin at the look on his face, it was exactly the face Kylo had been wanting to see on him.

"You're going to trip and hurt my cat." Hux warned him, gaining on Kylo.

"Bossy." Kylo huffed and turned back around, reaching up to scratch behind Millicent's ears.

"So, I have to ask out of pure morbid fascination," Hux said, coming up to his side. "Is Kylo Ren your trail name, or did your mother actually decide to call you that?"

Kylo rolled his eyes. "Neither. I changed it."

"How bad was the one before if you changed it to that mess?"

"It's not the name itself I didn't like. And frankly, it's none of your business, _Armitage_."

Hux clenched his jaw. "Fair enough."

"My turn to ask you something." Kylo said.

"Oh god, this is **not** what I wanted to happen today."

"No, but you wanted to get your cat back-"

"Which I still haven't."

"- And she's right here. So, in your eternal gratefulness, you will humor me. The only person I have talked to regularly in months is my mother, so let me have a conversation."

"Sad. But fine, what's your question?"

"How many times have you done this trail?"

"This one specifically?" Hux turned thoughtful. "I try to do a through trail every year, but this one I've done 5 times since I moved to Portland. I regularly hike the portion of the Crest near there."

"Portland, huh?" Kylo muttered.

"I'm not some hipster stereotype, alright? It's near my mother."

"No, it's just that I live in Portland, too."

Hux gave him a weird look. "You do?"

Kylo nodded. "In Maine."

"Oh, the rip off version." Hux snorted.

"Excuse me? I'm pretty sure my Portland has been around longer than Oregon's has even existed."

"Sure, and when your Portland gets a man on a unicycle with a flamethrower bagpipe, I may actually consider caring."

"Fuck off. My Portland is just fine." Kylo informed him. "I was from California originally. And my cousin lives pretty close to here."

"Good for them. Why'd you leave?"

"College. I became kind of estranged from my family for a while, until recently."

"Daddy issues?" Hux asked, surprisingly seriously.

"You could say that."

"Interesting."

"Not really. It's pretty boring."

"Good, then we don't have to talk about it." Hux said with finality, and then pulled ahead.

Kylo raised his eyebrows and watched as Hux stalked forward.

They decided to stop an hour later, but then Hux made them push forward a few miles more in order to find what he referred to as "level ground".

"I have back problems. I don't sleep well unless the ground is even." Hux told him when Kylo complained as they were setting up their tents.

"Speaking of sleeping problems," Kylo said, pulling Millicent off of his shoulder. "Here, take her."

"She doesn't let you sleep?" Hux asked, happily taking her from him. She snuggled right up to Hux, her head fitting up right under his chin, and Hux adjusted himself to hold her perfectly.

"She purrs too loudly." Kylo told him, and went straight into his tent.

 

  
Kylo woke before Hux, which that in itself was a relief. He didn't doubt Hux would leave him behind the second he had a chance. Kylo hadn't slept well last night, despite the 'level ground' that Hux had been going on about.

The situation was quickly losing it's charm.

Hux wasn't a faceless rival anymore, Kylo was not involved in this man's life, he was not involved in Millicent's life. Frankly, he just wasn't involved. Kylo quickly packed up his tent and started eating some of his canned peaches while he waited for Hux.

He must have nodded off at some point because the next thing he knew, Millicent was jumping onto his back and climbing him.

"Sleep alright?" Hux asked him. Hux wasn't changed out of his pajamas yet, and he was scratching at his beard as he sat next to Kylo.

"Yeah, I slept okay."

"Millicent actually woke me up last night." Hux mentioned conversationally. "I think she missed you."

Kylo hummed in response as Millicent rubbed up against the back of his neck.

"Are you alright?" Hux asked him warily. "You're less enthusiastic than you were yesterday."

"I'm bipolar." Kylo told him. "Mood swings. Sorry."

"I wasn't asking for an apology." Hux said, rolling his eyes. "I was wondering if anything was wrong."

Kylo looked Hux directly in the eyes. "It's nothing. I can still hike."

"Good to know, but you seem intent on answering questions I haven't asked."

Kylo stood up and grabbed his bag. He pulled out a can of cat food, opened it expertly, and bent down to let Millicent jump down to eat.

Hux gave him a weird look. "You actually got her food?"

Kylo only shrugged.

Hux shook his head in disbelief and went back into his tent. He was changed into a flannel shirt and jeans when he came out and started taking his set up back down.

"So, how is this going to work?" Hux asked and he carefully rolled up his tarp.

"Hmm?"

Hux waved a hand in a circle. "The whole... Traveling together thing. I tend not to wait around for others. I'm not patient."

"That's alright."

"I also get competitive, which is why I don't travel with my friends anymore."

Kylo smirked. "Obviously not a problem with me."

"Exactly." Hux told him, avoiding his eyes. "I was thinking it over last night. We've kept pace with each other this entire time. You aren't like Phasma, she likes to relax on these sorts of hikes, and I'm not-"

"Capable?"

Hux's eyes met Kylo's in a fierce glare. "Lazy."

Kylo rolled his eyes. "Right, that's what I meant."

"Another point in your favor is that Millicent likes you. So, if you wanted to... continue our sort of race as it were, it may be beneficial to stick together until we near Manning Park."

"And then what? We separate and see who gets there first?"

"More or less. We'd have to agree to not leave until we both reach the end."

"And that's it."

Hux nodded. "That's it. One of us beats the other. We shake hands. We go home to our very different Portland's."

Kylo hummed as he thought it over. It didn't feel like it was enough... 

"How about... Whoever wins gets the cat."

Hux's eyes widened. " ** _Excuse me?_** "

Kylo shrugged. "I like her. I don't have anyone at home except a few people I would rather not see anymore. So, whoever wins gets to keep her."

"I'm **not** agreeing to that. In fact, forget I said anything. We're no longer doing this."

"Fine. Then I guess that means I win by default."

"That's **not** what that means at all!" Hux was practically grinding his teeth. "Just because I refuse to give into your strange and rude demands-"

"Why should we keep racing if there's nothing to win?" Kylo asked him. It was true. Now that they had met face to face there was almost no point in keeping up with it. There was no mystery involved anymore. They were human now, and Hux's attempt to keep that drive going was pointless without something at the finish line.

"You know what?" Hux said, absolutely seething. "How about this, if you win I will buy you your **own** pet, one that **isn't** my cat that I _**raised from birth**_."

"And if you win?" Kylo was intrigued.

"If I win, you do the Appalachian trail next year."

"Oh, Christ." Kylo muttered. "This one's been torture enough."

"Exactly. So, those are the terms?"

Kylo shrugged. "I'll think about it. We still have a while to go. And I'm not sure I'd get along with an animal that isn't this one." He indicated Millicent who was licking the can clean.

"She's a cat. There are a lot just like her." Hux tried to reason, but Kylo could see that look in his eyes that was the same one he got when Millicent left Hux's arms for Kylo's.

"I don't think so."

Hux picked Millicent up and held her close. She nuzzled his throat and let him pet her belly.

"Shall we get going?" Hux asked.

 

  
Hux ate as they walked. Millicent was on his shoulders this time, and he let Kylo lead down the path.

"Check point is coming up." Hux told him, his mouth full of peanut butter.

"How do you know?" Kylo muttered, thinking about what he could take from Hux when he won.

"I come through this part of the trail a lot, I know where I'm going."

Kylo fought back a groan at the absolute pride that was in that statement.

"Why do you even do this? The hiking thing? You seem to appreciate the sights as much as I do, which isn't a lot." Kylo commented. "What do you get out of this?"

Hux didn't say anything for a while, just kept walking behind Kylo. Kylo heard the sound of a zipper being opened and closed again. The peanut butter being put away.

"That's a very personal question, Kylo Ren. No one really knows why they do this hike until they reach the end. Why are you doing this hike?"

Kylo thought about it and found that he didn't have a decent answer. He couldn't exactly say it was to try and forgive his dead father for a shitty childhood.

"To finish it, I guess?" he said, suddenly very uncertain of his motives. "To say that I did it?"

He had started this because he was told it would help him think things through, remember his dad in a way that wasn't negative and spiteful. That didn't seem to be working in any sort of fashion. When he thought about Han there was still a mass of emotions he didn't want to touch, let alone analyse. He was no better than when he had started this useless hike.

"It's your first time, you'll understand eventually." Hux told him. Kylo thought he was trying to sound wise, but it just came out smug and pretentious.

"Maybe I'm not doing it for anything."

Hux laughed at him. "That's bullshit. You want to know why I'm doing this trail, huh? Alright, I'll tell you:

"I hate my father. That's why I do this trail."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Kylo asked, thinking for the first time that Hux was possibly just as self centered and convoluted as himself.

"My father cheated on his wife with my mother. When he found out I existed, his wife insisted that he be involved in my life. I expect it was her way of punishing him. I was often sick as a child, I had a horrible immune system, I had asthma, and I was very thin and weak. He often told me I was like a slip of paper, just waiting to be blown away. He sent me to all sorts of doctors, had me treated for everything, and I eventually grew out my asthma and sickliness. My mother couldn't afford regular check ups, so she never bothered to protest. It was the only way she could keep me healthy."

If Kylo thought Hux was bitter before, it was nothing compared to how he sounded in this moment.

"My father paid for everything. I went to private school and eventually boarding school. Eventually, and with his 'encouragement', I joined the army. A beautiful irony that my dear friend and comrade in arms, Phasma, found amusing whenever my mother used to write me letters starting with "Dear Armie". It was fine for a while. I made staff sergeant. And then I got myself blown up."

Hux went quiet for a moment and Kylo stopped to look at him. Hux stopped as well, and Millicent purring was the only sound they heard.

"... Not really blown up." Hux continued, his voice sounding less like he was talking to Kylo, and more like he was speaking into a microphone on NPR. "It happened behind me, and I got hit with the blast. I had several plates put in to spine to keep it upright, a rib was removed, and my lungs and kidneys damaged enough that now I only have one kidney and about half my lungs removed. I was honorably discharged... No purple heart, because I wasn't particularly doing anything brave."

Hux cleared his throat of whatever emotion was blocking it.

"For a while I did nothing. I healed, I relearned how to breathe, and I now have to be very worried if there's blood in my urine. I was very lucky. I could have died. I could've lost my ability to walk. But I didn't. I just have scars, an inhaler, and lot of aches on rainy, cold, hot, or humid days."

"That's all the days on this trail." Kylo noted quietly, and Hux nodded in agreement.

"Yes, but I don't let it stop me. My father thought I was done for. He paid my medical bills and left my life for good. He didn't even bother to show up to my mother's funeral three years ago. His wife did, of course. She loved me like I was her own, she didn't want anything from me except maybe to be part of her family. But **he** wanted me to be a success. **He** wanted me to be someone powerful, so **he** could throw all those medical expenses and schooling back in **_my_** face and take _**my**_ power for himself."

Hux breathed in deeply, calming himself the best he could. "I was a long term plan to him, not a son. So, I do this trail every year, and I work through all my aches and reminders of what he turned me into, and I get to feel powerful again."

Hux started walking again, past Kylo and further away. He could see Millicent's tail swishing against Hux's backpack.

"I get something out of this that he can't take for himself." Hux said, it was faint and farther away, but just loud enough for Kylo to hear.

Kylo's nose was burning. His throat was closing up. His eyes stung. He let himself think about his own dad, just for a brief moment. And during that brief moment, Kylo felt grateful for everything Han tried to do for Kylo, or rather for Ben. And then that moment was over and he followed after Hux.

Kylo couldn't tell Hux he was sorry for any of that. He couldn't show Hux pity for any of the pain he felt. There was only one person who should be apologizing, and it definitely wasn't Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter wasn't too bad, a surprising amount of research went into this one! And I got to use some of my newfound hiking knowledge in this one! Trail names are such a fun thing to me, Hux and Kylo will get their own eventually.
> 
> I appreciate everything everyone has been commenting on here and even sending to me over on tumblr! (ihatekyloren.tumblr.com) Honestly, the feedback really helps me keep going on this, so please keep commenting! It's always read and I always try and reply within a few days. Hell, you can even tell me how shitty it is.


	9. Approximate Sunlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would like to apologize for the long wait, and for a chapter I'm not very fond of myself... It's more like a compilation of scenes that were in my head that I needed to get out in order to move on. Ugh. 
> 
> Whatever.
> 
> Chapter name once again taken from a Bright Eyes song. Most of these songs have nothing to do with the chapters, but if you want a song that's been stuck in my head while writing this it's the White Stripes "We're Going To Be Friends".

Kylo had been nearly dying of thirst for the past 3 miles. He had done the stupidest thing that morning and let his anger get the best of him, and in his frustration (at his mother, at his cousin, at the whole fucking **world** ) he threw his water bottle off a cliff. Hux had been watching in the distance, rolling his eyes and shaking his head at the overblown reaction to a text message. Now they were in a river, or rather Kylo was in a river and Hux was waiting for him to drown from where he stood at the bank.

"I wouldn't drink from that if I were you." Hux told him, as Kylo dipped the mason jar he had found in Hux's bag into the river.

"Why, is the water poisoned?" Kylo asked, standing from where he was crouched and nearly losing his balance in the rushing water.

"No, but that jar-"

"I think I'll live then." Kylo told him and drank deeply from the glass.

Hux rolled his eyes and waited for Kylo to be mid gulp before he spoke again. "I piss in that."

Kylo spat out what was in his mouth and choke on what was already flowing down. " _What_!?"

"I have to check my urine. It's part of the whole 'only one kidney thing'. I told you not to drink from it."

"Oh god, shitting in a hole was bad enough," Kylo exclaimed thrusting the glass towards Hux. "Christ! Here take it back!"

Hux was laughing at him. "You sure you're not thirsty anymore? I could have sworn you were just complaining loudly about how you were absolutely dying of thirst."

"You're such a dick, take back your piss jar!" Kylo commanded and threw the contents of the jar at Hux.

It hit Millicent instead.

She meowed loudly and raised her hackles. Hux laughed even louder at him.

"You are absolutely pathetic!" he exclaimed gleefully.

"Great, tell me something I don't know."

"Oh, don't be like that. I've met worse. In fact, I've been worse. Chin up, we're nearly 30 miles in today."

"Ugh, do you have a waterbottle I can fill?"

"Yes, yes, just give me back my jar."

They traded.

"I can't believe you let me do that." Kylo muttered and bent down to fill it in the river. "This whole 'missing organs' thing really fucks with your life, huh?"

"More than you can possibly conceive."

"What's the worst thing you had to deal with?"

"This conversation." Hux told him flatly.

"Har, har." Kylo quickly dunked his head in the water and then stood up, brushing his hair back with his hand and sputtering a bit at the water pouring down his face. "In all seriousness though, what's the worst thing?"

"Probably people who don't believe I'm handicapped when I need the parking spots."

"Do you need them?" Kylo aske, raising an eyebrow.

Hux glared at him. "Yes. I do. I can't breathe in the winter. I have to park as close to buildings as possible. I have it on my fucking license plate."

"I believe you," Kylo insisted, putting his hands up and making his way out of the water. "So ,um... How long have you had Millicent?"

Kylo was very obviously reaching for a new subject of conversation, and the look on Hux's face told him how bad his transition from topics was.

"Since my mother died. Millicent was born a week after to my neighbor and I was offered my pick of the kittens."

"And this was in your Portland?"

"Yes. My mother retired there and I followed her. I was just discharged."

Kylo sat down on the grass next to where Hux was standing. "You said you started hiking when you moved to Portland, right?"

"Yes. I couldn't do the entire trail at that point, no matter how much Phasma wanted me to. It was just a little at a time. Part of my therapy."

"You..." Kylo cleared his throat. "You're weirdly open about it."

Hux snorted. "No, I'm not. I don't talk about how hard it was. I allude to it, I give small bits of information, and I don't lie about what happened. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it, or that I'm even over what happened. But I live with it, and I don't pretend I don't."

"I'm sort of envious of that. I can't talk about anything."

"Have you even tried?" Hux asked and he sat down next to Kylo.

"Yeah. I just suck at it."

Hux looked at him, focusing on different features on his face, from his eyes, to his mouth and the moles on his face.

"Why are you here, Kylo Ren?"

Kylo stared at the water and Millicent walked gracefully from Hux's shoulder to his own. He reached up to pet her.

"My father died."

"Were you close?" Hux asked quietly. Kylo wasn't sure if Hux was thinking of his own father or his mother.

Kylo shook his head. "No. He wanted to be, and when I was a kid we were, but... I left home."

"Is that the whole story?"

"God, no."

"You should work on that." Hux informed him. "Don't worry about it so much. It doesn't have to be a good story, and it certainly doesn't have to have a happy ending. You have the rest of this trail to figure it out. I could try to help if you'd like?"

Kylo didn't respond to that. But he did stand up, and grab his pack, carefully manuavering the straps in place as to not bother Millicent, who was, as per usual, curled around his neck and purring.

"Are you sure you're ready to get going again?" Hux asked him, standing as well.

"Yeah." Kylo told him, and started back to the trail. "I'm ready."

  
The next day Hux tried to bring it up again. They were climbing up a hill that was getting steeper and steeper the further they went. Thankfully it wasn't cold yet, at least not like the hills in Nevada, but the strain was taking it's toll on both of them.

"So what did your father do for a living?" Hux huffed out. The air was whistling as it entered and left his lungs.

"He smuggled weed into the country." Kylo told him flatly.

"Well, that's exciting?" Hux said, unsure as to how to respond to such an answer.

"No, it wasn't. The trips were long and boring and frankly uneventful. He never took me on a run he knew was dangerous."

"Was he good at it at least?"

"He liked to think so."

"Did he have any hobbies?"

"Drag racing."

"Did he like doing anything with you?"

"He read me Harry Potter every night before bed. I made him stop in high school."

"And after highschool...?"

"I left for Maine, and I stayed there." The story basically stopped there. At least it would is Kylo had any say in it.

Hux suddenly stopped, and Kylo turned around, curious as to why. Hux pulled out on inhaler from his inside pocket and took to deep inhales from it.

"You alright?" Kylo asked him.

Hux nodded and scowled at him. "I'm fine. I told you, I basically only have one lung left, this happens sometimes."

"Do you want-"

"I don't need to sit down. I don't need to take a break. I'm fine, let's just keep going."

And Hux shoved past him. Kylo watched after him before he hurried to catch up.

"Did you like Harry Potter?" Hux asked, disturbingly casual.

Kylo was speechless for a moment. 

"... Yeah. I liked Snape."

They hiked for an hour like that, Hux asked him pointless and stupid questions that Kylo answered with no small amount of annoyance. And when they finally took a break, the sun was going down. Hux dropped his pack and, with Millicent still on his back, struggled to climb atop a log that had fallen across the path. It was low enough to hit both of them in the head while walking under, but high enough that most could probably walk under with no issue. Millicent jumped off of him just as he was able to use his upper body as an anchor to push himself up, then he turned around and let his long legs dangle in front of himself.

"Come here." Hux told him gesturing to the spot next to him..

Kylo heaved himself up with no issue and nearly sat on Millicent as he turned around.

"What is it?"

"Stop talking and just look."

Kylo looked.

The sun was slowly going down just beyond a mountain peak that was off to their right. The side of the mountain steeped down and was slowly covered in shadow, but where they sat the orange-yellow light bled through the trees. It illuminated the green leaves around them and the air looked fuzzy with the light. Kylo could see the thinnest thread of silk, strung between to twigs on a branch attached to the trunk of the tree they were sitting on.

"Huh." Kylo said, already growing bored.

"'Huh', indeed. You really don't have any appreciation for this, do you?"

"I guess not." Kylo sighed, picking a leaf and twisting it by it's stem in front of Millicent. She batted at it playfully, he claws catching his fingers.

"You'll wish you had in a moment. Let's keep going for a bit, I want you to see this." Hux jumped down, staying close to the ground for a second too long. Kylo followed and Millicent jumped to his shoulder.

In a few yards, the passed the peak of the mountain and Kylo understood what Hux was talking about.

Everything looked dead and black.

"Forest fire," Hux told him. "Few months ago. We're lucky we missed it."

The juxtaposition threw Kylo for a long while as they stepped through the barely growing grass at their feet. There was cicadas screaming nearby and the area they tread through smelled ever so vaguely of ash. There was nothing Kylo could feel but loss at the lack of greenery. Even the sunlight appeared grey from where they now were.

"Is this a metaphor for my life?" he asked very seriously.

Hux just laughed at him.

 

That night, after their tents were set up and the fire was put out, Kylo laid awake in his sleeping bag. He heard rustling outside and hoped it wasn't some animal there to steal their food. The sounds stopped right outside his tent and Kylo held his breath, waiting for whatever it was to move on.

"Kylo?"

It was Hux. Kylo could hear his very faintly whistling breath, and he immediately relaxed.

"What do you want?"

There was a long pause. And then very quietly, Hux's voice came out.

"Do you miss him? Your father?"

Kylo stared straight into the darkness and thought about it. He thought about it and he remembered when his father found him in the dark and made him a promise that Kylo refused to accept at the time. One that he kept with him for years.

 

_You can come back to us. Always. I will **always**  be waiting._

 

"I miss... I think if I miss anything... I miss the idea of him." Kylo said quietly. "I miss knowing he was out there. That if I really... If I wanted to..."

Kylo trailed off, unable to finish the thought, at least not out loud. He listened as Hux sighed, he sounded like this was a weight lifted off of himself rather than Kylo, and Kylo wished he felt the same. For him, the weight felt heavier than it had since when he received that first call.

They stayed like that for a moment more. Still and breathing. Millicent purring nearby in Hux's tent...

"Hux?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you miss your mother?"

"Every day of my life." Hux answered with no hesitation or even thought. He didn't need to.

There was that same rustling again, and the zipper of the other tent being opened and then closed again. Kylo turned his head to the left and away from where he knew Hux was. He tried to pretend the wetness in his eyes was from exhaustion.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know, you waited that long for THIS??? I swear to you I have already started on more and it will be half way decent, just let me get this one out of the way. Things will happen, I promise. Please leave a comment! Talk to me! Let me know what's working for you!! It doesn't even have to be here, feel free to message me at my Star Wars blog (which is mostly kylux) ihatekyloren.tumblr.com!! I always answer, I'm always willing to hear from others! 
> 
> Also, someone actually recced my fic and can I just say how absolutely filled with joy that made me?? Thank you so much for the support! I'm trying my best here, and I'm so grateful every time someone says they're enjoying it, but a fic rec?? That's a level I was not ready for and I'm so giddy about it!!
> 
> Also, I've been thinking about turning this into a podfic as well. If you're willing to hear my vocal fry let me know and I'll give it a shot! Put those acting classes to use, maybe?


	10. Beginner's Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buh buh duh, new chapter~ Starting to realize that something is going to have to happen soon. We need more drama for this to be a proper story... Oh well. 
> 
> Chapter title AGAIN taken from a Bright Eyes song.

"Ben."

Kylo doesn't say anything, staring straight at his father through the glass.

"Ben, please. You need help. Let me help you."

Kylo still doesn't say anything, but his mouth creeps into a very unpleasant and very unsettling smile.

"Poor, Ben." Kylo says quietly to himself. "You should probably go help him. Shame he isn't here..."

"Ben, stop. Don't pretend. Not now. Not to me."

The smile widens, but Kylo's eyes are angry. They're always so angry. Everytime he looks in a mirror, he can see it. How he's just so pissed at everything.

"My name is _Kylo Ren_." he says slowly. "And yours is Han Solo. Maybe it's about time we used them when speaking to each other."

"Don't call yourself that. Don't call yourself by the name **he** gave you."

Kylo looks off to the side and his smile is gone.

"I don't do anything he tells me anymore."

"Ben, you need to get out of here. We need to get you somewhere, to someone, that can help you, please. Just talk to your mother, let her help. Let us help you."

"I don't want your help."

"Ben, please. **_Please_**. Let me be there for you. I wasn't before, I know I wasn't. But please, Ben-"

" **MY NAME ISN'T BEN**."

Kylo screams into the line, staring at his father with a look that has only ever been directing at those he would not let leave unharmed.

Han Solo stops talking.

"Stop... Stop calling me. Stop visiting me. I don't need you. I never needed you."

"Those are his words. Please, just... He's still speaking for you. He's gone and you're still letting him use you."

"No one will use me again. Not you. Not Leia. Or Luke. And _especially_ not Snoke. I don't want you here. Just because he said it doesn't mean it isn't true. I don't need you, Han. I'm not your son anymore. Ben Solo is **dead**."

Han covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. When he looked back up, Kylo could see him fighting back tears. In that moment, he relished in it. Han Solo is weak. Kylo Ren is strong.

"You can't stay here. Even if I'm not the one to help you, I just need you to be safe. You've got poison in your blood, Ben. You need to get it out."

"There is poison in my blood, Han Solo. It's just not what you think it is."

"If you're saying that I'm worse than cocaine, I won't argue with you. Your mother has said just as much. And she's said worse than that, too... She's clearly better equipped to deal with this."

Kylo stared as Han Solo stood up and gestured to someone to the side that Kylo can't see.

"I called her before I came down. I was hoping I wouldn't have needed to, but... You keep doing this. You won't let me help, so... Better safe than sorry. She'll be here tomorrow. She'll get you out of here, Ben. She always does. And when you get out..."

A guard comes up behind Kylo. He can feel a hand fall too hard on his shoulder.

"You won't want to... I know you won't, but I want you to know... You can come back to us. Always. I will **_always_** be waiting. I won't be going anywhere."

Kylo blinks his eyes and the guard, the glass barrier, and Han Solo are gone.

They are replaced by a very intense and impossibly dense darkness.

Kylo let out a large breath in a gasp. He realized three things very quickly.

He was inside his tent.

He was clean, at least in the sense that he hadn't touched any sort of drug since he got out of jail.

And Han is dead.

Then he realized he had sweat through his shirt, and the night was cold. He removed it quickly and threw it off to the side as he lay down again.

Try as he might, he could not fall asleep. That had been the last he had seen of Han Solo. They had spoken on the phone a few rare occasions, on holidays and the rare celebratory call of Rey graduating or someone's promotion. Kylo screened most of them.

Han called him when he bought the bike. He talked about driving it East to visit Kylo, and Kylo had quietly shut him down, saying he was busy and that Han wouldn't like the weather.

Both of those were lies.

But Han had accepted them without question. A soft "Oh..." and a change of subject. An excuse to hang up would come up soon after and they wouldn't talk again.

Kylo presses his face into his pillow and tries to forget everything. Everything he ever said to Han. It doesn't work.

 

He thinks about Hux instead.

 

 

"How many mothers do you have?" Kylo asks the next morning.

"Two." Hux aswers without any hestitation. "Why do you ask?"

"I was thinking last night. You told me you got Millicent after your mother died, but you told me you left her with your mother when you hiked the Appalachians. I just... It didn't make sense to me."

"Mmhmm." Hux hummed around a spoonful of peanut butter, his usual breakfast. "Yep. My step mother. She loves me. I love her. She took care of me and my mother for a time."

"Did she ever leave him? Your dad?"

"Yes. Broke his heart, that fucker."

Kylo stared at the back of Hux's head. His red hair blending seamlessly with Millicent's fur from her usual spot on his shoulders.

"You were right before. When I thought you were being open about everything... You don't tell me everything."

"You don't want to hear everything." Hux countered.

"How would you know?" Kylo asks.

"Because no one does."

"But you keep asking about me."

"I do, but I can assure you it's entirely for your benefit."

"So, you don't care?"  
  
Hux doesn't answer right away.

"Caring takes time and effort. If you want me to cry at your funeral, Kylo Ren, you better make yourself worth it."

They stopped to sign the log at the closest check point. Hux signed first, Kylo signed right beneath him, and then Hux picked up Millicent to press a muddy paw beneath both their names. While Hux was busy with putting Millicent down Kylo wrote down a quick quote from the Hitchhiker's Guide.

 

“ _Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?_ ”

 

He quickly closed the book and put it away before Hux could notice.

"So, I hope you weren't **just** thinking of me last night?"

Kylo smirked.

"You wish I was."

Hux didn't smile back.

"Were you thinking of him?"

Kylo's smirk fell and he turned to start back on the trail. "I had a dream. Sort of a memory. I just can't remember what part of it didn't really happen."

"And your father was in it?"

"I was in jail. He came to see me."

"What were you in jail for?"

Kylo didn't answer.

Hux sounded frustrated as he exhaled loudly behind Kylo. "So what did he say to you?"

"That I needed help. He wasn't wrong. I just didn't need his."

"Need or want? Would he have made things worse if he had helped?"

Kylo shrugged. He viciously stepped on a brittle twig beneath his foot and enjoyed hearing the snap.

"He wouldn't have known what to do."

"Who did know what to do?"

"Doctors. And my mother knew what to say to get me out."

Hux didn't ask anything else. He put his hand on Kylo's arm and Kylo turned around. Hux stared straight at him.

"You are not the worst case scenario." Hux told him.

Kylo looked confused. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means, you could have made much worse decisions with much worse consequences. But you didn't."

"I know that." Kylo mutters and tries to look away. Hux doesn't let him, moving his head into Kylo's view as his eyes move.

"Do you?" Hux asked seriously. "I'm not sure you do, Kylo. I don't think you can look past all the awful that you see in yourself. Come on."

Hux tugged at Kylo's arm. Kylo didn't budge.

"Jesus Christ, Kylo just come with me." Hux groaned, rolling his eyes.

Kylo gave in and let Hux drag him away. They kept walking, Kylo's arm in Hux's tight grip. Kylo flexed his arm and felt his muscles strain at Hux's fingers. Hux continued to lead him until they reached a cliff, and suddenly Kylo had the feeling that Hux was about to kill him.

But then Hux let go and pointed to the very farthest edge of the cliff.

"Sit there."

"Are you insane?"

"Yes, now sit over there."

Hux made to push him but Kylo sidestepped him quickly. He help up his hands in surrender.

"Alright, just don't do that!"

Kylo kept looking over his shoulder at Hux as he walked slowly to the edge.

"Focus on the ground. Feel how solid it is. You're fine."

Kylo took smaller steps as he got closer, trying to ignore the horrible swooping feeling in his gut. He got closer and closer until he finally was able to get onto his knees and grip the ground as tight as he could.

He was so high up and as he looked down he picture himself dying. Perhaps impaled on a tree, perfhaps his neck snaps on the way down, or maybe he just missed everything in the way and lands hard on the ground, his bones crushed and slowly bleeding to death.

"Tell me, are you alright? Are you afraid?" Hux calls from where he stands. Millicent is now standing at his feet, looking behind him. Not paying any attention to Kylo or the mortal peril he is in.

Kylo nods his head ever so slightly. He is afraid. Even if he knows logically in his mind that he is not currently dying, his body shakes and his guts twist and his head swims at the height.

"Now do me a favor and swing your legs over the edge. Everything will be fine."

Kylo thinks Hux is mad but he does it anyway, as slowly as possible. Soon his legs are just hanging there, completely exposed to the wide space in front of him. He sits there for what feels like an hour, and slowly, ever so slowly, he starts to relax. The stone beneath him is solid. Most of his body is on stable ground. His grip loosens on the surface. He looks down and doesn't feel his body lurch in fear. He sits, he is stable, and he looks around himself at the green trees surrounded by the blue of distance below him. Now that he can focus he sees hikers below them, their brightly colored packs moving in patterns.

"How do you feel now?" Hux asks.

"I'm fine." Kylo calls back.

Millicent has made her way over to him. She gracefully jumps into his lap and lays there, no sign of fear coming from her at all.

They sit together and enjoy the view.

Kylo stands carefully and makes his way back to Hux. He's smiling weirdly at Kylo.

"Now, how do you feel about that decision? Do you regret it?"

Kylo shakes his head, holding Millicent close to his chest.

"At first it felt like a bad one, am I right?" Hux prods, actually poking Kylo in his bicep. "But it faded with time?"

Kylo didn't make any notion of answering, but Hux still looked smug.

"Do you see what I mean now?" He asked in a voice that said; 'I clearly know better than you, so you should shut up and listen.'

Kylo reached a hand out and shoved Hux. "You really suck."

Hux smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i delved a little bit into Kylo's past, but I don't want to get too deep. I'm trying to translate canon into this world, but if something feels too on the nose to the point it bothers you, let me know!! Please comment! I LIVE for comments. Come talk to me on my Star Wars blog, ihatekyloren.tumblr.com, maybe I'll doodle something or such.


	11. Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and To Be Loved)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening...?
> 
> It's my birthday. :) I almost titled this chapter after Bright Eyes' song "Happy Birthday To Me (Feb. 15)" but this title works better. So. I'm 22. And this is chapter 11. I'm not going to say anything else.

It's when they cross the border into Washington state that Kylo decides he doesn't want this... 'whatever it is' with Hux to end. They were getting steadily closer to the border and Kylo wasn't sure what was suppose to happen after they've finished the trail. Kylo feels really fucking pissed off at himself for getting so attached after he's sworn off feeling that way about people. However, he quickly forgets that every single time Hux passes Millicent off to him or when Hux offers Kylo some of his precious peanut butter.

Kylo even begins to think that maybe Hux trusts him as well... Even if it isn't with information, Hux has shown in actions that Kylo is worthy of not only his attention, but to properly care for the things that are important to him.

He feels that Hux himself confirms this one morning while Kylo feeds Millicent and Hux talks on the phone with his step mother.

"Hmm...?" Hux hums into the phone, munching on a protein bar. "Oh, him."

Kylo looks up and meets Hux's eyes.

"Ah, well..." Hux smiles slightly, still looking at Kylo. "We've been traveling together actually."

Kylo grins, feeling smug. No one else has been able to keep up with Hux's pace except for Kylo.

"He's um... How do I put it?" Hux's smile widens. "He's rather pathetic, to be honest."

Kylo glowers at Hux as he chuckles into the phone. Kylo throws a twig at him, and it hit's his shoulder, bouncing off harmlessly.

"Come now, don't be like that." Hux tells him, moving the phone away from his mouth.

"Fuck off." Kylo replies.

Hux rolls his eyes and moves the phone back. "Yes, that was him... He has his charms, I can assure you. I wouldn't put up with him otherwise."

Kylo goes back to feeling proud.

He has _charm_.

The thought stays with him for the rest of the day.

It is strange passing other hikers on the trail. Whether they're taking a break or hiking in the opposite direction, Kylo works to avoid eye contact and look unapproachable. Hux, on the other hand, interacts with them. He nods his head, offers a quick 'hello' or even a tight smile. Most of the strangers are first to initate interaction, they flash broad smiles and even wave as Hux passes them. It was even odder when they spoke.

"Evening, General!"

"General, good to see you still at it."

"Oh man, here comes the General!"

Kylo gives them weird looks as they pass. He wasn't aware that Hux even had a trail name. A lot of hikers seem to at least mention it when introducing themselves, whether they liked the name or not. And Hux seemed fairly well known along the trail.

"It's Phasma's fault." Hux tells Kylo when another group pass them, calling out to 'the General'.

"She give you the name?"

Hux sneered. "God no, I wouldn't still consider her a friend if she had. No, I'm afraid they all came up with that on their own."

"You weren't a general in the army-"

"Of course I wasn't!" Hux snaps. "It was just an idiotic joke these people came up with when they noticed some mannerisms I had. It's Phasma's fault that they know me at all."

"What did she do?"

"She brags about me." Hux grumbled. "People talk about the trail, she brings up that she starts at one end, I start at another, and we meet in the middle. And then she starts talking about how we know each other, she brings out her photos, and she starts in on whatever I'm complaining about that day. Which is usually you, by the way."

"I feel just so special."

"Shut up. So now, people know what I look like, they know where I'm headed, and they know about Millicent."

"And calling you General makes things worse, because... They treat you like a joke?"

Hux hums and squints into the distance.

"There's a clearing up ahead, let's start setting up for tonight."

Kylo follows Hux in the direction he was looking towards and they make quick work about setting up everything. While Hux is making feeding Millicent, Kylo is looking at his phone. It hurts to look at... His family. Together and happy without him, even after what's happened...

"Anything exciting happening in the outside world?" Hux asks flippintly.

Kylo shrugs. "My mother sent a picture of her and my cousin out to lunch."

"Oooh, fascinating." Hux remarks.

"Yeah. They got close when I left."

Kylo puts his phone away and instead stares at Hux. Hux notices very quickly and quirks an eyebrow.

"What?" he inquires, giving Kylo a look that just screamed that Hux was humoring him.

"Let's talk."

"We talk a lot. What do you want to talk about?"

"You."

Hux rolls his eyes. "I'd rather not."

"We talk about me a lot. I want to know about you."

"We talk about you for a reason, and we've been over this."

"Are you in any pain right now?"

"Oh, _**well**_ , I've just gotten a very large headache rather suddenly, I can't seem to figure out the source-"

"You know what I meant." Kylo interupts.

He doesn't want Hux avoiding him anymore. He doesn't want half truths. Hux's eyes narrow and his mouth purses.

"You seem to be misunderstanding this relationship." Hux informs him.

"Enlighten me." Kylo challenges.

"I said that I would travel with you so that we could finish our race. I said I would help you realize why you were hiking this trail. I didn't say I was here to be your friend."

"You don't think it's a little too late for that?"

Hux snorts and a very unpleasant smile spreads across his face. "I don't come here for _friends_ , Kylo Ren."

"You already told me why you come here, and I understand that..." Kylo snarls out. "But you think that we were able to walk the entire length of the state of Oregon together and not become close enough for me to ask you if you're in any sort of pain?"

"Yes, I think that's exactly what's happened. We aren't friends. I don't care about you, and I certainly don't want you to care about me."

"If I fell off that cliff, you wouldn't have cared?"

Hux stares Kylo directly in the eye. He blinks once, slowly. Kylo doesn't blink at all.

"I wouldn't have given it another thought."

Kylo stands up. He stalks over the the tents and clenches his fists hard enough that his nails sting his palms. He paces a few steps before walking in front of a tree. He knocks his head against it and stays there for a moment, breathing forcefully.

What was he doing?

What were either of them doing?

Was this just to distract themselves from the journey? From the countless steps they've already taken and the impossible amount they still had yet to travel? From how alone they were? Was this Hux's weird attempt at giving Kylo something in exchange for returning his cat? Companionship? An easy way to vent his feelings? What were they doing?

Kylo forces his eyes closed tightly, and before he realizes it, his arm has swung out to punch something. It hits the tree. He swings again, and the bark falls off at the impact. His knuckles already hurt, but it feel minimal compared to the frustration and confusion he's feeling. He feels the skin there tear as he hits again, and he knows how stupid he is for doing this. How he can't afford to seriosuly hurt himself while he's out in the wilderness.

He starts kicking instead.

He enjoys the solid thump that reverberates through his leg as he kicks and kicks and kicks. He can hear himself breathing and he lets out a slow and aggravated yell.

He stops just as suddenly as he started, but he still feels angry. The anger never really goes away... It never has before.

He feels something touch his arm and he turns to see Hux standing next to him.

Hux looks calm. He doesn't look even remotely bothered.

"You're an idiot." Hux tells him. He places a wet cloth in Kylo's hand.

"What else is new?" Kylo asks him, taking the cloth from him, and dabbing at the blood on his knuckles.

"I don't want to be your friend, Kylo. I'm sorry."

"Gee, thanks."

Hux tilts his head slightly, and Kylo avoids looking him in the eye.

"... My back hurts. The pack puts too much weight on me and it hurts. I don't like to talk about it." Hux tells him quietly.

"Do you want me to-"

"No." Hux says quickly. "I don't want you to do anything. I can deal with it."

"I wasn't trying to say you couldn't." Kylo sighs. "I don't think you're incapable or anything."

"Not that you would tell me anyway, right?" Hux asks.

Kylo shakes his head. "I would definitely tell you."

Hux takes a step back.

Kylo takes a step forward. "I don't have any friends. At all. Not anymore."

"That's quite sad."

"It never felt that way until now, but yes. I guess it is. It's **sad**." Kylo agrees. "Do you want to know what makes it _really_ sad?"

"I suspect you'll tell me anyway."

"It's sad because the last person I thought I made friends with used me to the point that when I finally broke, I killed him."

Hux's eyes widened a fraction. "I feel that, if anything, you've just given me more incentive _not_ to be your friend."

"You haven't used me. Not yet. And I trust you not to."

Hux doesn't respond.

"You were in the army... Have you killed anyone?"

Hux nodded. "I have."

"Was it hard for you to do?"

"The first few times, yes."

"For me, it was really, **really** easy. I was so relieved when he was gone. Everything he had over me and it felt like it all just disappeared."

"What did he do to you?"

"Lots of things. Brainwashed me. Got me addicted to crack. Made me think he was the only person I could trust. Kept me away from my family. Used me. He made me hurt people. He made the world feel a lot crueler to me than it was. Turned out he was the cruel one."

"Is that why you were in jail?"

Kylo nodded. "I don't have any friends now."

Hux stepped closer. Kylo could see where in his eyes they turned from blue to green.

"I don't want to be your friend." he said.

"I know." Kylo told him, and moved to step back.

Hux grabbed Kylo's arm and pulled him closer. His grip was tight and Kylo remembered how it felt when Hux had led him to the cliff.

"We aren't friends." Hux said.

His nose brushed against Kylo's and Kylo suddenly felt very self conscious of it. He wanted to make it so Hux didn't have to look at it...

 

Hux kissed him.

 

They weren't friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to me ~!
> 
> Please leave a review!! I always appreciate them, and I always answer back! 
> 
> Also come talk to me on my Star Wars blog!! (ihatekyloren.tumblr.com)


	12. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is another Bright Eyes song. 
> 
> There's no sex in this chapter btw. The chapter title could be misleading. A lot of fluff though.
> 
> Before we start, I just really need to thank someone, the wonderful WONDERFUL artist, kylostahp (aka hawkeward) who created a fucking masterpiece of the final scene from the last chapter. It's utterly perfect. Please go look at it, reblog it. It's just so goooooood....
> 
> http://kylostahp.tumblr.com/post/150528958642/so-pacific-crest-trail-hiker-au-they-go-wild-had

**So I just made out with my hiking partner and I don't know what happens next.**

Kylo deleted the message.

**I might have done something stupid. Is there a rule against falling for your hiking partner?**

Kylo squinted at his phone and quickly deleted the message.

**Might have a boyfriend. Don't tell my mom.**

Kylo sighed and flopped onto his back. "What the fuck?" he groaned.

He lifted the phone above his face and pursed his lips. He had no idea how to talk to people. Especially not about this sort of thing. And _especially_ not Rey. Was she even old enough to have a boyfriend?

Yes, you idiot, his mother sent him a picture of her and her last boyfriend before Han died. Kylo wasn't sure if they were still together... It felt like such a long time ago. So yeah. He was going to just tell his cousin, who he told nothing lately, because she would tell his mother, and his mother would want to talk about _feelings_ with him. 

He really needed some friends. Decent ones. Ones that he doesn't kiss.

He hit send and used the light from his phone screen to look around the tent. He quickly sat back up and exited his tent as quietly as he could.

It was dark outside, unsurprisingly. He and Hux had awkwardly gone into their seperate tents a few hours before, after Hux had cleaned Kylo's wounded hand and kissed him one last time.

"Some of us are actually prepared for these sorts of things." Hux had said when he had brought out his first aide kit. Kylo hadn't bothered to bring one.

Thinking back on it, Kylo felt like an idiot.

Why the fuck did Kylo let that happen? Not the kissing, that he had no issue with. It was the lack of emotional control and the separation afterward that was bothering him. Why didn't they at least... Try to talk about it? Did Hux need time to think about the kiss? Did he think Kylo needed time to process?

Did Hux need to think about how he had willingly kissed a murderer?

Hux is the only person Kylo has outright talked to about what he did. It was understandable that Hux thought he needed time, maybe take a step back and try to think about what they were doing.

Kylo really sucks at thinking.

He knelt down in front of Hux's tent and paused, listening hard to hear Hux's breathing, if he was awake or not...

"Hux?" he stage whispered.

Hux didn't answer.

Kylo cleared his throat as quietly as he could to try and gain some more control over his voice. He tried again.

"Hux?" It was a bit louder than the last time.

"... You're a fucking weirdo, Kylo Ren." Hux answered tiredly. "Why are you even still awake?"

Kylo ignored the question. "Can I come in?"

Hux sighed slowly and long. "Fine. Don't let Millicent get out."

Kylo quickly unzipped the tent and crawled inside. Millicent's eyes greeted him, reflecting off his phone's dim light. Looking closely he could see that she was laid on top of Hux's chest, same as she had when she had slept with Kylo. She suddenly meowed and turned away from Kylo as Hux sat up, she clung to his shirt as best as she could.

"Can I help you?" Hux asked, he sounded so tired.

Kylo reached and pushed Hux back down onto the floor of his tent. "Go back to sleep." he said, and laid down next to Hux.

"Are you serious? You're just going to barge in and what? Sleep next to me? You don't even have your sleeping bag, you'll freeze to death."

"I'll manage." Kylo said and gently took Millicent from Hux, laying her on his own chest.

"Christ, this is your plan isn't it, you creep?" Hux mumbled, sitting up again.

He started to unzip his sleeping bag just as Kylo's phone screen faded out.

"What are you doing?" Kylo asked.

"Generally? My best. Now come over here. It'll be a tight fit, but we'll have to manage."

Kylo hesitated. "... I'm not trying to get with you or anything." Kylo told him, staying put.

"You flatterer, you." Hux grumbled sarcastically. Kylo couldn't see him do it, but Hux rubbed at his forehead like he was getting a headache. "We kissed, Kylo. I kissed you. That doesn't mean I'm expecting you to fuck me. Now get over here, and keep me warm."

Kylo held onto Millicent as he shuffled over on his knees. She was, as usual, purring loudly as he set her back down on Hux, who had laid back down. Kylo put his socked feet in first and curved his hips to fit along Hux, who stayed on his back. Kylo settled his weight on his right arm and his hip as he reached down to zip the sleeping bag back up. When it was zipped Kylo settled his left arm around Hux's waist and pillowed his head on his right arm. The sleeping bag felt very cramped, and they were already warming up against the night air. They probably wouldn't be getting any sleep if they kept this up.

"Christ, this is horrible." Hux complained. "Here, put your right leg under mine and your left on top."

Kylo squirmed around to his instructions as best he could. Kylo bent his long legs as much as he could in the confined space and his head ended up right next to where Millicent sat on Hux's chest. She licked his nose and Kylo couldn't help but snort in laughter.

"God, you're a psycho." Hux grumbled, moving his arm from in between their bodies to around Kylo's waist.

"It's ridiculous." Kylo told him. "I'll just go back to my tent instead. Sorry about this." And he tried to squirm his way back out.

But Kylo couldn't get up. Millicent had moved to rest in the dip where they're stomach's met and one of Hux's legs was now resting ontop of Kylo's. Hux's arm pressed Kylo closer to himself and suddenly it didn't feel quite as cramped. It was still cramped, but just... Less.

"No, no." Hux says sleepily. "You're here now, and I just got comfortable. Stay here."

Hux's beard scratched along Kylo's forehead and Kylo's arm came up to rest across Hux's chest. Kylo felt Hux sigh and breath slowly. Millicent continued to purr from her spot within the sleeping bag, and Kylo closed his eyes to the darkness, feeling much better about everything that had weighed on his mind.

Then his phone buzzed in his pocket.

He brought it out of his pocket and squinted at the bright screen. It was a text from Rey.

 **Call me?**  

Kylo's heart beat in his chest. Call her? Now? Right in this moment? This weirdly perfect moment?

He... he had to, right?

She was his cousin. His baby cousin who he used to be so close with. He used to tell her everything and she did the same with him. That's why he texted her in the first place... This was sort of maybe a big deal to him, and in that moment, he wanted to share that with her.

But right now?

Kylo typed on his phone, hoping not to disturb Hux more than he already had.

 **Tomorrow.** he typed, and hit send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would very much like to apologize for the long wait!! I just moved out of my apartment and I had to get everything in place and move all my stuff and clean up my childhood bedroom. And then my roommate got all of us in the house sick. So it took me a bit longer to write that I had actually been planning on, and the chapter isn't even that long. :(
> 
> I hope you enjoy it anyway! Please leave a comment! I know how much I hate even reading unfinished works, so for everyone who has been sticking with me, thank you!! Thank you so much! 
> 
> Please, please, please, feel free to come talk to me on my Star Wars blog (ihatekyloren.tumblr.com)!!!


	13. If The Brakeman Turns My Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! How are you? It's been a while. 
> 
> Bight Eyes song title again. I saw their lead singer in a solo concert last week with my family. I don't think I can describe how amazing Conor Oberst is live. I've seen him quite a few times, and frankly, this latest time was the best I had seen him. It truly was awesome. 
> 
> Also they were selling tote bags that said "This is not a Bright Eyes tote bag." which was pretty hilarious.

Hux was looking at him when he woke up.

It wasn't a loving look, or a hateful one. Hux was just looking at him. Hux sighed as Kylo stared back, then brought his right hand up to move Kylo's hair out of his face.

"You sleep well enough?" Hux asked.

"Surprisingly well." Kylo replied.

"Millie didn't wake you at all?"

Kylo snorted at Hux's pet name for his cat. "Millie? Christ, Hux could you be more of a pet owner."

"Shut up, Kylo." Hux grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"You better not start calling my Kylie, I don't think I could take it." Kylo teased and rolled over so Millicent was forced to leave the sleeping bag and Kylo could lay on top of Hux's chest.

Hux sighed and bumped his nose against Kylo's. It was similar to the way he had done the day before just before he leaned in to kiss Kylo. Kylo wondered why he didn't do that this time.

Hux smirked at him.

"You're pouting." Hux stated, and then pushed Kylo off of him and out of the sleeping bag as the zipper was forced open.

"Dick." Kylo mumbled, his face pressed to the floor of the tent.

"I was thinking..." Hux said slowly.

Kylo moved to look at him.

"Thinking. That's a good first step. What's next?"

"I was **thinking**... Maybe you would like to take a zero day? Ah, with me. Today." Hux asked.

He looked annoyed and hopeful at the same time. It took Kylo a few moments to fully process what was being asked.

"A zero day?"

"Yes. As in zero miles?"

"Yeah, no, I, uh... Got that part. But _**you?**_ You want to spend a day not moving forward?" Kylo asked, extremely skeptical.

Hux looked even more annoyed now.

"If you don't want to we can just pack up and keep going. I just thought it would be nice to take a break today."

Kylo blinked.

Then he quickly pushed himself up. "I have to make a phone call!" he said quickly.

"Oh, um... Alright." Hux said. He glanced around in confusion.

"Sorry, just um... My cousin. I told her I'd call." Kylo said, opening the tent flap. "I'll be right back, I swear."

Kylo practically sprinted to get out of hearing range. He fumbled as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and call Rey. He kept glancing back at the tent as he listened to the phone's ring, shifting his feet. He very quickly realized he forgot to put shoes on, and his socks were now soaked through from the damp ground. God, why was everything so fucking wet out in the woods?

"Hello-"

"Rey, he wants to spend the day with me **not** hiking, what the fuck do I do?" Kylo cut her off immediately. It seemed to convey his panic pretty well, he thought.

There was a long pause.

Kylo could hear noise in the background. The sounds of laughter and chatter from what must be a crowded area. Plates scraped surfaces nearby the phone and Kylo had a sudden ache to return home. To be where people are...

"I... I'm sorry?" he tried. "Are you working? I can call later-"

"No!" Rey practically shouted in his ear. "I'm on break, it's perfectly okay."

Kylo took his phone away to narrow his eyes at the time.

"It's 7:30, it's too early for a break." he informed her.

"I can have a break _whenever_ I damn well want. Especially," he volume suddenly increased and Kylo could tell it was not for his benefit. "When it's a **family emergency**!"

"It's really not-"

"Oh, _no,_ it very much is. You're out there all alone with a stranger and you actually **called** me instead of sending really impersonal texts. Even Dad has to admit that's a big deal."

"Wedge probably-"

"Dad knows what qualifies as a big deal. You calling? For any reason?" Rey's voice got softer as the background noise was suddenly cut out. "That's a very big deal."

Kylo wasn't sure what to say to that. He doesn't really know his family anymore... He didn't bother sticking around last time to find out exactly what they thought of him.

"Is Wedge... Are he and Luke alright? They were fighting last time I saw them..." At Han's funeral.

Rey sighed deeply, like she's had this conversation a few times already. "They do that sometimes. Uncle Han and Aunt Leia fought a lot too."

"Yeah, but that's... Them." Kylo shrugged to himself. "Luke and Wedge weren't like that."

"They've always been that way, Kylo."

Kylo's heart thumped at hearing his name said by her. His chest got a little tight, but eased quickly again as he breathed. It didn't sound as forced coming from her.

"So everything is okay?" he asked.

Rey didn't respond right away.

"I'm not sure if 'okay' is the right word... Your dad was still my dad's best friend... And my other dad maybe got a little jealous sometimes... I think Uncle Han dying maybe opened up some old wounds..."

" **What?** "

Kylo was very confused. Luke and Wedge had the perfect marriage! At least compared to Kylo's own shining example of parentals.

"Kylo, I really hope you don't expect me to talk about this. I don't know if they're okay. They act okay. I _want_ them to be okay. They're kinda getting a little too old to stay together if it isn't working out."

She was starting to get upset, he could tell by her tone. Well, fuck.

"I'm sorry, Rey."

"Christ, Kylo. Just tell me about the guy already. Have you kissed yet?"

"His name is Hux, he's a red head with an orange cat, and yeah, uh... Yesterday. A few hours before I texted you... He kissed me, which is why I was freaking out a little."

"So you just kissed yesterday for the first time and he wants to spend the whole day with you? That's quite romantic, don't you think?"

"Well, we've been spending the day together. We have literally spent _**days**_ together. He wants to not hike at all today. At **all**! The only times we've stopped was to sleep!"

"Why didn't you just call last night? I could have more context here!"

"I didn't call, because I _**couldn't**_. I was, uh," he paused, long enough for Rey to notice seeing as he heard her take in a very quick breath. "I mean, he was kind of right there. I would've woke him up..."

"You **slept** together!" she whispered harshly into the phone.

"Not biblically!" Kylo hissed. "We just sort of shared a tent... And a sleeping bag."

" **Kylo!** "

"There was a cat between us, nothing happened!"

"Oh my god, does your mum know?"

"Of course not!" Kylo groaned and hid behind a tree out of frustration and embarassment. "And you are not telling her! I swear to god, Rey, if you said one word to her about this-"

"I haven't talked to her since Wednesday, calm down! I'm not going to tell her. I'm not going to make her feel even more left out by saying things you should."

"What-"

"Nothing, just... What if he wants to? You know, sleep with you? Today? Would you?"

Kylo's mouth went dry. He thought about the last time he had sex with someone and grimaced.

"I don't know. Probably not. We haven't actually known each other for very long and like I said, we just kissed yesterday... Plus he has health issues, I don't want either of us getting hurt or something."

"Either of you?"

Shit.

"Well, I mean, just..." Kylo clenched his jaw and tightened his grip on the phone. "Nothing. Gross, don't ask me this stuff, you're my cousin!"

"Get over yourself." Rey grumbled. "So, what are you going to do then? Sit there and read on opposite sides of the forest?"

"I don't know... I haven't actually given him my answer yet."

"Oh my god, you haven't grown up at all, have you? This is just like you in highschool, leaving girls hanging until the last possible moment."

"I was gay and they wouldn't leave me alone." Kylo huffed.

"Oh my _god_. Do you even want to spend the day with him? Do you want to take a break? Maybe take a bath? I swear, I can smell you through the phone."

"What the fuck are you-"

"You haven't asked me for soap in over a _month_ , Kylo! Those tiny packages I sent you don't even last that long!"

"Oh my god, you are so annoying."

"I'm sending you more soap! And condoms! God knows you'll probably need those, when's the last time you even got tested?"

"When I was in _**jail**_." Kylo ground out.

"Oh right. That." Rey said sadly. "...So you're clean, right?"

"I'm hanging up now."

"Wait for the condoms! Don't sleep with him yet, I have to-"

Kylo hung up on her.

Then feeling guilty he sent her a text message.

**Don't tell mom. Talk soon.**

Kylo looked around the tree back toward where their tents sat. Hux had left it in favor of building a new fire, Millicent sat nearby. Kylo quickly walked over and picked her up before Hux could stop him.

"How was your call?" Hux asked, not turning back to look at him.

:Good," Kylo mumbled, holding Millicent close enough to hide his face in her soft fur. Her claws dug into his shoulder, but he remained unbother. "My cousin says hi."

Hux hummed absentmindedly. He stood up, brushing his hands off on his pants and looking back at Kylo.

"So, um... Did you want to take a break today?" Hux asked for the second time.

Kylo kept his face in Millicent's side, his mind racing with anxieties and hopes.

Hux sighed and put on hand on his hip while he pushed his hair away from his face. "Right, then. So I suppose we should-"

Kylo looked up suddenly. "Yeah. A zero day would be nice. I just um..."

Hux's hand slid down his face as he looked intently at Kylo.

"Just... What do we do all day?"

Hux suddenly looked very embarassed. "Well... You had a point yesterday... We've done an awful lot of talking about you... And if you were still interested, I thought I might tell you a bit about, ah... Myself?"

Kylo smiled at him, very much tempted to poke fun at Hux for showing any sort of emotional capacity, but this is exactly what Kylo had wanted. He wanted Hux to open up, at least a little bit. And it was so rare for Kylo to give a shit about someone...

"That would be perfect."

"Oh thank god." Hux sighed. "I had no idea what you actually wanted from me yesterday. I'm honestly _constantly_ confused by you."

"If it makes any difference, I have no idea what I want either. But this is a decent start."

"You're so high maitenance." Hux stated, rolling his eyes and stepping closer to where Kylo stood.

Kylo let Millicent climb to her usual spot on his shoulders and reached out to Hux.

"Were you hoping to kiss me again?" Kylo asked him.

"See what I mean by high maitenance? Why am I the one to initiate kissing all the time? You do have balls don't-"

Kylo pulled Hux towards him and kisses him gently, barely hesitating as he pressed their lips together.

Kissing is... Not exactly new, for Kylo, but it's been such a long time that he kissed anyone just because he wanted to... And Hux seems to enjoy it just as much as Kylo does. Kylo can feel Hux's lips curve and the orange hairs twitch against Kylo's face as he smiles.

Millicent takes to opportunity to rub against their faces as she passes to Hux's shoulders. Kylo pulls away as her tail hits him on the nose.

"We'll probably have to talk about this, too?" Kylo asks.

Hux nods slightly, taking the moment to bump his nose against Kylo's as he's done before. Kylo is starting to think that he might be fond of it, which is strange enough.

The whole... idea of what's happened to him over the course of these last few months has been strange. He had been miserable and angry before, and he had thought that maybe he would stay that way for the rest of his life. But then a fucking cat shows up and he suddenly felt a little less alone. Then Hux happens and everything feels different. He's still cynical, and he knows this won't last after the summer, but being around Hux made everything... Easier.

"You know what would make today really good?"

"Hmm?" Hux hummed, still in very close proximity.

"I really,  _ **really**_ want to take a bath."

  
They ended up in the river, not able to fully commit to a zero day and find a place with actual showers. The water was refreshing and cool, but Kylo knew if they stayed in too long important things would start freezing off. They faced away from each other for the most part, passing the organic soap back and forth behind their backs. Kylo used the reflective surface of his phone to shave off his facial hair. He could hear Hux doing the same from behind him, but as he got out to dry off, Hux stayed where he was.

He looked extremely pale amungst the dark rocks and his ass was small. Kylo couldn't help but think it was cute... Kylo grabbed his pants and put them on before sitting next to Millicent where she was sunbathing on a rock.

Hux had finished shaving, his face the clearest Kylo had seen. Unlike Kylo, who used a regular cheap razor from a drug store, Hux had a straight razor. He had carefully shaved around his mouth and chin, but left a _ghastly_ pair of sideburns that Kylo felt like he was going to have a hard time not laughing at. His face had turned pink from such a close shave.

His cheekbones were very much... _**there**_ without the beard to hide them.

Hux looked his way and Kylo raised his eyebrows at him.

"This your non-mountain man look then?" Kylo asked throwing Hux a towel.

Hux wrapped it around his waist. "I need a mirror to actually be able to cut my hair, but yes. This is how I usually keep it."

"The sideburns are awful."

"Your ears are awful." Hux told him, grabbing at a lobe. "But I suppose there's nothing we could do about those."

Kylo self conciously untucked his hair.

"Oh, now don't do that. I quite like them, actually." Hux told him, retucking the hair. "I also happen to like my sideburns."

Kylo lifted his hand to the side of Hux's face and brushed a thumb against the orange fuzz in front of his ear. "They're okay, I guess."

Hux smirked at him. "Good," Hux pushed Kylo away by his face. "Now get out of my way, I need to find my clothes."

  
When they got back to camp they started on cooking up some canned soup, which Kylo did not have much of, as a treat for their off day. They sat close together as Millicent wandered close by, catching stray insects to play with.

" _ **So**_ ," Kylo started. "Can I ask you anything I want?"

Hux shrugged one shoulder. "I suppose. However, if you ask anything vulger I might smack you."

Kylo sighed and thought for a moment.

"Are you currently seeing anyone?"

"Dating you mean?" Hux clarified. "No. Though there is this idiot in the woods I met who I kiss sometimes, if that counts."

Kylo grinned. "I was hoping it might count."

"We'd have to have an actual date." Hux said. "Like, dinner. Or drinks at a bar. Or something equally cliche."

"Like poetry readings."

"Do you even like poetry?" Hux asked, skepitcal.

"I mean, I could. If it was the right kind of poetry."

"What's the right kind of poetry? Not Bukowski, I hope."

"No... But have you ever read the poem Howl?"

"Ginsberg? I think you'd be hard pressed to find a gay man who hasn't, to be honest."

"That's the kind of poem I like."

"It's got quite a lot going for it."

Kylo shrugged. "It felt raw when I first read it. It felt real. Realer than anything else I had ever read."

"I don't think you want me to ask, so I won't. But I understand. I think, on some level."

"Do you like poetry at all?"

"Well, like you said, sometimes I do. For the right kind of poem."

"Here's another question, do you carry a book with you?"

"Yes. I do. I'm not a complete robot." Hux told him and reached for his pack. "I carry this."

He handed the book to Kylo.

"The Sirens of Titan?" Kylo said and flipped through the pages.

"Yes, it's my favorite book. Which is a bit odd for me, considering I'm not usually fond of science fiction. But Vonnegut has something else to say, I think, compared to other writers."

"You like Bradbury, too, I'm guessing?"

"I've read his books, if that's what your asking. But I do like Vonnegut better. His cynicism has a taste of optimism too. Something of kindness and love, I think."

"You never write any quotes down when you sign, I guess I sort of assumed you didn't bring anything with you."

"This isn't my first time on the trail, Kylo. I've already quoted it to death."

Kylo handed the book back to him. "Alright, next question. You're British. You live here. Why?"

"England is awful, why else? I have dual citizenship. I just happen to like America better, and so did my mother. I followed her here. She thought the people were more interesting here."

"If you're living in Portland they're bound to be." Kylo agreed. "So, you grew up in England then?"

"I did. It was awful. We were poor, our neighborhood was poor, and our home was cramped. You could always hear the neighbors on the other side of the wall. If they weren't fighting, they were fucking. It was an absolute nightmare. Then good old Brendol came around and I got sent to boarding school, which was a lot of the same, only posh. And then again with the army. But less fucking, and a lot less posh."

"Did you like anything about the army?"

"I enjoyed meeting Phasma. I enjoyed earning my rank. Other than that, it was a rotten time for me."

Kylo could tell he was pushing his luck with the army subject... "So, um, what was Millicent like as a kitten?"

Hux snorted, looking over at his beloved cat. "Needy as all hell. She honestly hasn't changed much. She's just got bigger, and possibly needier. She was impossibly small back then, too... Now she's actually a bit larger than is average for female cats."

"She's large for any cat."

"It just means she can take care of herself better."

They took a moment to watch Millicent murder a butterfly. Kylo gently nudged Hux with his arm. Hux turned to look at him and Kylo kissed the corner of his mouth. It felt different with both of them clean shaven... When he pulled back, Hux had a confused smile on his face.

"Finally taking some initiative, are you?"

Kylo shrugged. "I just, uh... Thanks for talking to me. About you."

"It's not as big of a deal as I make it out to be. I'm not any sort of exceptional person." Hux said, shaking his head slightly.

"You are. I've never met anyone like you before."

"You weren't exactly looking very hard, were you?"

"Would you shut up? I'm trying to tell you I like you, asshole."

Hux grinned. "I'm growing pretty fond of you, myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I ever mention that Luke and Wedge are married? Because they're married. 
> 
> Also, how many times can I apologize for taking so long before you all abandon me? You know, it cooooould help this god awful writers block if you maaaaybe came and talked to me on my tumbllrrrr.... Maybeee.... (ihatekyloren.tumblr.com) I feed off of feedback, please tell me how I'm doing!!
> 
> I hope my fellow Americans had a wonderful Thanksgiving!  
> Mine was okay.  
> Sister issues.


	14. We Are Nowhere, and It's Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me. 
> 
> Naw, I just was really super depressed and didn't know what I wanted anymore. I'm thinking maybe 3 more chapters at the most for this story btw, so if I still have anyone reading this, now you know.
> 
> Chapter title is, of course, taken from a Bright Eyes song. I put some lyrics in the chapter this time too.
> 
> It's safe to say that this song is probably my favorite, especially since I recently got a tattoo of some of the lyrics.
> 
> Warning for injury description, blood and stuff. It's in a dream, but yeah.

Waking up next to Hux was like nothing Kylo had ever experienced before.

Which was sort of saying something, considering how much Kylo has experienced in his fairly short time on earth.

But being next to Hux, trusting him to be close, and in no way feeling like he should be running far away was something he hadn’t had the pleasure of feeling since he was young and having sleep overs with Rey. Kylo couldn’t quite wrap his head around this feeling of comfort and contentment he felt around the other man.

Millicent made her way over to Kylo, spying that he was awake and nudged her head under his chin. Kylo could only sigh as he moved to pet her. He felt Hux move beside him and looked over to see him raising an eyebrow at both Kylo and the cat.

“I hope that everything that’s happened between us wasn’t just some wild ruse to steal my cat from me when my guard is down.”

Kylo grinned and shoved Millicent to the side as he sat up and bent down so he could kiss Hux good morning.

“You know it is.” Kylo tells him and kisses him once more.

That’s another thing that Kylo is unused to, but glad to be experiencing. He’s not sure if he’s enjoyed it more with Hux’s facial hair or without, but he finds the act of kissing him to be something immeasurably pleasurable. It’s the same safety and contentment, but shared with Hux as opposed to feeling it about him.

“Should we try and find civilization today?”

Hux hummed thoughtfully. “We’ll have to go a bit out of our way for that. The forest is getting denser the further North we go, but I think it could be a good idea…”

“Should we hitchhike our way or do you prefer a challenge?”

Hux sighs heavily. “The idea of relying on a stranger is revolting, but it’s obviously the best choice. A laundromat and a decently cooked meal would be heavenly.”

“It won’t be too bad. We’ll be able to relax for once.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “You’ll be able to relax, you’re a fucking brick house.”

“I’ve hitchhiked before, people are generally more afraid that you’re the serial killer rather than the other way around.”

Hux pushed Kylo away with a hand to the face and pulled himself up into a sitting position. “Jesus Christ, let me be miserable. We’ll hitchhike, I’m not saying no.”

It wakes them less than three hours to pack up all their things and to find the road. That’s basically the easy part of their day as they stick their thumbs out for every car that passes them. Only one manages to stop before noon and seeing Millicent sent them on their way again. Allergies are a bitch apparently.

Kylo enjoys laughing at the look on Hux’s face as the car drives away and Hux’s reaction to Kylo’s enjoyment only makes him laugh harder. Hux is in the middle of shoving Kylo over just as a car pulls up a few feet ahead of them.

“You guys hiking the trail?” a man asks, hanging outside of his car window.

“Yeah, we need a ride into town, if you don’t mind?” Hux says, lightly jogging over to the vehicle. 

It’s an older station wagon, the kind that was around when wood paneling was all the rage and it looks dented to hell from where Kylo is standing. There are at least 15 faded bumper stickers on the back and Kylo is pleased to find that none of them are the fake ass ‘Coexist’ ones, and even better there’s no Bill Watterson rip off pissing on anything.

“Yeah, sure man. I was headed home for the weekend anyway. Either of you want to ride up front?”

“I’m fine with the back.” Kylo says, walking up and opening the backdoor and throwing his pack inside.

“Then you can take Millicent.” Hux tells him, placing her in the back before Kylo can get in. “She likes steering wheels too much to be in front.”

Kylo makes a face, but gets inside after the orange giant. He stops paying any real attention after that, even when the car starts moving and he forgoes his seatbelt in favor of resting his back against the door. Kylo dozes and let’s the noise coming from the car speaker just behind him fill his head.

 

In our wheels that roll around… As we move over the ground....  
And all day it seems we've been in between... the past and future town.

 

Kylo feels Millicent crawl over his legs, and for whatever time has passed, he opens his eyes and sees Hux.

The sunlight pours in from the front window and it catches Hux’s hair perfectly. Facing away from the passenger window, with his sunglasses on and his beard only just starting to grow back, Kylo stares at him openly. Before he thinks anything of it, Kylo pulls out his phone and takes a quick picture.

It’s certainly not the best picture he’s taken, but it’s decent enough that Hux is recognizable. Kylo saves it without thinking about it too hard. Kylo looks back up from his phone when Hux shifts around and Kylo could swear he mumbled ‘creep’ under his breath. 

Kylo shifted himself into a more comfortable position and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and sighing deeply.

 

Hux lightly taps his face and Kylo wakes up on a couch. He wakes up on his couch in the apartment he no longer has. Hux is bent over him, raising an eyebrow as Kylo stares up at him.

“You need to get up. I finished cleaning up the guest room for you, because I realize that you cleaned up the rest of the place, however,” Hux taps on Kylo’s forehead. “Your father will be here soon and you need to look respectable.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. Of course. His father was coming over, why did he let himself drift off? He had taken that damn motorcycle across the country and made his way over to where Kylo and Hux had made their life.

“Where’s Millicent?” Kylo asks pulling himself off the couch.

“With my mother, we already talked about this.”

Of course. Hux’s mother, they always leave Millicent with her. Han is allergic to cats, can’t have her or her hair around when he visits.

Kylo goes to the door automatically and opens it to let Han in. He’s there waiting with his motorcycle helmet. He smiles at Kylo and pulls him in for a hug. Kylo is shorter than Han, and he didn’t used to be.

“Hi, Dad.”

“Hey, Ben! Good to see you! How’s the wife?”

“Hux hates it when you call him that.”

They’re sitting at the table with Hux, who’s drinking tea. 

“I hate it when you call me that.” Hux tells Han.

Han starts to bleed from his head wound. 

“I’m not up to date on the lingo, I’m afraid.” Han says. “What do I call you then?”

“Hux.”

Han’s skull starts to cave in.

“How’s the Hux, Ben?”

“Hux is fine.” Hux answers.

Kylo feels content with the situation. Han made it here safely and Hux is being rude to him. For some reason Kylo can’t bring himself to do it himself. He wants to be mad at Han for some reason, but instead he smiles at his father.

“How’s mom?”

“Busy.”

Kylo nods. That makes sense. She’s been very busy fighting to prove his actions in the right. There are photos of where he slept in Snoke’s home being submitted as evidence and he doesn’t fully understand why. It was his room. It felt like home most days. Snoke didn’t bother him in there very often.

Snoke is Hux now and it makes sense. He’s bleeding too and Kylo worries about him. If the stab wound in his head doesn’t stop bleeding they might have to go to the hospital.

Snoke doesn’t like having to take Kylo to the hospital. Especially for stab wounds. Snoke prefers burns, they’re easy to take care of with just a first aid kit.

Kylo stands up from the table and no one says anything to him. He walks out of the apartment and down the stairs. He has to meet Hux in Canada. He has to beat him there.

He starts walking.

He keeps walking.

The scenery changes around him and he doesn’t give it any notice. When he finally stops, he sits down on a log and Millicent crawls into his lap.

Hux is there next to him.

“Do you know why you’re doing this trail yet?”

Kylo shakes his head. “Maybe so I can learn to like cats?”

“Kylo?” Hux says.

“Yeah?”

“Kylo?”

Kylo looks at Hux, who has started bleeding from his head.

“What is it?”

“Kylo?

Kylo doesn’t answer this time, he too busy watching the blood fall down Hux’s face. It gets into his mouth when he speaks.

“Ben?”

 

Kylo starts awake, his jolt scaring Millicent out of his lap.

“Kylo?” Hux says.

Kylo looks around and quickly realizes that they’ve parked. Kylo clears his throat and looks at Hux’s hand on his knee.

“Sorry… God, uh… Where are we? What time is it?”

“We’re at a laundromat. I thought you might want to be awake for it.”

“Oh thank god. Where’s the guy?”

“Using the bathroom. Now, would you please get up?”

“Yeah… Sorry.”

Hux narrows his eyes at Kylo, but says nothing else. Hux simply grabs his bag and exits the passenger seat. Kylo thinks he has a moment to anchor himself, but the door at his back swings open and he’s left trying to keep his head from hitting the pavement.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, except for me being upside down right now.” Kylo sneered.

“You just apologized twice to me.”

“Fuck off.” Kylo told him, pulling himself back upright. “I had a dream, alright? So just… Fuck off.”

“Fine. I will, but only for now. If you think I won’t bother you about this later, you’re wrong.”

“I would never presume you’d let anything go.” Kylo grumbled, whish caused Hux to swat at the back of his head.

Hux walked away after that, leaving Kylo to gather his pack, as well as Millicent, on his own. 

Once inside, Kylo noticed Hux already sorting through his own pack to properly separate his clothes. Kylo ignored the look Hux gave him in favor of getting change. He continued to ignore Hux as he shoved all of his rather disgusting clothes into a machine.

“You have absolutely no grace in anything you do.” Hux told him.

Kylo ignored him in favor of starting the machine up and sitting down to wait. He pulled out his phone and some tangled earbuds and started to play music in order to better dismiss Hux’s attitude.

When Hux finished sorting his clothes and putting each set into a different washing machine, he sat next to Kylo. Millicent jumped into his lap with ease, and Kylo glared at the traitor.

Hux smiled at her and shot Kylo a smug look. Kylo only rolled his eyes at him.

After another minute, Kylo offered Hux one of the earbuds. Hux took it without ceremony and put it in his ear. They both sat there listening to Kylo’s music while outside is just started to rain. Millicent jumped away from them to stare out one of the wide front windows.

It was starting to get heavy and there was lightning streaking in the distance as Kylo thought of how sticky he felt from the constant heat and endless hiking. He continued to watch the sky grow darker and the rain get harder until finally he made a decision.

He removed his earbud and stood up. Hux looked at him strangely as he walked past and straight out the door.

It was still warm out, but the rain was cool on his skin and the drops steamed as they hit the ground.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Hux yelled from the entrance.

Kylo spread his arms out and the thunder reverberated around them.

“I’m enjoying myself!” 

“You’re an absolute fool!”

Kylo’s hair was already starting to drip from the rain. He found himself grinning with another flash of lighting.

“You wanna kiss me in the rain, or not?”

Hux raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms.

“Oh, come on!” Kylo yelled over the thunder and walked straight to Hux.

Hux started to walk backwards, but it was too late, Kylo had a hold of him, Hux very reluctantly allowed Kylo to pull him out into the rain so that they were now both completely soaked by the rain.

Kylo leaned down to press his forehead against Hux’s.

“So?” he said.

“So what?”

“So, kiss me in the rain.”

Hux was clearly fighting a smile. 

“Why do you always make me do all the work?”

“Because I’m a little bit more fucked in the head than you, and I’d rather you take the lead.”

Hux rolled his eyes and reached up to put his arms around Kylo’s neck. 

“Fine.” Hux sighed and then kissed Kylo in the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for a laundromat date, so here we are! I hope you all don't hate me... If you don't, or even if you do, please leave a comment! I would very much like to hear about how awful I am.


	15. The Biggest Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo!! New chapter, but it feels short. :/ Sorry about that. It's one of those chapters that I feel like needed to happen in order to move forward. It's not my favorite... But it's here. We got maybe 2 more after this. And if we want an epilogue, ya'll are gonna have to let me know. But we're not there yet. So don't stress too much. :)
> 
> Chapter title is........ You guessed it, a Bright Eyes song.

“I bet you that I want to go home more than you do.” Kylo says, dipping a spoon into his milkshake to try and get the last of it.

“I can very nearly guarantee that you’re wrong.” Hux countered, sipping his water.

“You willingly do this every year, and you think you want to go home more than I do?”

“I am in a shit ton of pain. I would love to sleep in my own bed, in my own home, where I don’t have to worry about my cat running off to find attractive sociopaths.”

Kylo let a slow smirk slide across his face. “So you _do_ think I’m attractive.”

Hux, of course, rolled his eyes. “Of course not, your eyes are too far apart and your mouth is too wide.”

Kylo only raised his eyebrow and took a long and loud drain of the very final drops of his milkshake.

“I’m fucking gorgeous. I could name several girls from my high school class who think so.”

“Ooooh, well then.” Hux gushed sarcastically. “I didn’t know I had so much competition for your hand. Shall I get you a promise ring? Update my relationship status on facebook?”

Kylo mock glared. “Maybe just stick by me and scare them off with your bad attitude?”

Hux smiled, ready to reply when they were interrupted.

“Ben?”

Kylo’s blood ran cold at the sound. He froze, and he saw Hux’s face go from a smile to a confused frown. Hux’s gaze shifted from Kylo’s face to the person who came to stand next to their table.

“Ben!” They exclaimed. “I thought it was you!”

Kylo turned his head slowly, the milkshake had curdled in his stomach.

“Hey, Uncle Lando.” Kylo greeted, smiling through his discomfort. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Lando laughed, slapping Kylo on the back. “I would think not! It’s not exactly a known vacation spot for me, is it?”

“No, you don’t usually go for the rainy parts of the country.”

“Right you are! No, I’m here on business, unfortunately. I’d hoped to run into you, but thought it would be a long shot. Yet here we are! Stopped in the same place to eat!” Lando, said, oblivious to the uneasiness the Kylo was radiating. “Luke told me you were doing that whole ‘journey to find yourself’ thing. How’s that going?”

Kylo swallowed, trying to keep himself for glancing at Hux. “Great. Nearly finished.”

“Great! I remember when Luke tried to talk _me_ into it. Guess maybe I missed out, huh?” Lando took a moment to sigh, looking off into universe. When he snapped back, still smiling, he finally spotted Hux. “Sorry! Who might you be?”

Hux held out a hand that Lando took without hesitation. “Armitage Hux. And you?”

“Lando Calrissian. I’m a friend of Ben’s dad.”

Kylo looks down at his empty glass, trying to mentally block out what’s happening. He didn’t want Hux to know this. His name is **Kylo**. Why wasn’t that enough for anyone?

“I was under the impression that… _Ben’s_ … father was dead.”

Lando nodded his head, his smile fading some. “Ah, so Ben told you about that... I wasn’t sure how willing he was to talk about it. Hasn’t talked to most of us since it happened…”

“I see.” Hux says. Kylo knows Hux is looking at him now. 

Lando turns back to Kylo and puts a hand on his shoulder. Kylo had no choice to look up and meet Lando’s eyes. Lando glanced at Hux quickly before speaking softly to Kylo, low enough that Hux may not hear among the noise of the other patrons.

“You know I don’t blame you for what happened, right?”

Kylo nodded and averted his eyes again.

“Hey. You’ve been getting a lot of shit from a lot of people, but you had nothing to do with what happened.”

Kylo gritted his teeth and said as kindly as he was able, “I know.”

“Good. You’re a good kid, Ben.” Lando clapped his shoulder one more time, his volume rising again. “It was really good to see you out here. I guess fate has a funny way of working out! You tell Leia I send my best when you get the chance.”

“I will…” Kylo sighed.

Lando gave a smile and nod towards Hux, and then turned to leave. Someone was outside the door waiting for him to catch up.

Kylo’s hands clenched tightly under the table, trying to hide his reaction from Hux, which he logically knew wasn’t possible. Anger was a clear on his face as his moles. There was never any hiding it. But he could at least not have to see the look on Hux’s face if he kept his eyes down.

“Kylo.” Hux said, and Kylo couldn’t read any sort of emotion in his voice.

A hand touched his knee under the table and Kylo startled, looking up. Hux raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“Are we leaving or not? You’re done, aren’t you?”

Kylo nodded in confusion and followed Hux as he exited the booth to pay for their meal.

They didn’t talk about it until they managed to escape civilization once more. Kylo tried his best to not initiate conversation with Hux unless necessary, which Kylo knew was a shitty thing to do. He just didn’t… couldn’t have this conversation with Hux. It wasn’t as if Kylo had lied. He told Hux that his name wasn’t one his parents had given him. So then why was Kylo so concerned about Hux’s reaction…? 

“Kylo?”

Kylo looked back at Hux who was trailing behind with Millicent walking beside him. Hux didn’t look like he was confused or betrayed or even offended by the lack of speaking on Kylo’s part.

“Let’s stop for tonight.” Hux said, not a hint of anything other than exhaustion in his voice.

Kylo didn’t say anything but he dropped his pack unceremoniously. They prepared camp quietly, ate dinner together in silence and went to bed with only a quiet ‘goodnight’ on Hux’s part.

Kylo couldn’t sleep. He turned over several times, his tired eyes refusing to stay closed. The ground felt more uncomfortable than usual, and his sleeping bag just wasn’t warm enough to combat the cool night air. The food he forced down earlier refused to settle in his stomach and pretty soon he couldn’t stand it anymore. 

Kylo could only grab his phone for light and left the tent. 

Just a quick walk… That’s all he needed. He would just walk around the camp a few times and then everything would be better-

“Kylo.”

Hux’s tent had unzipped without Kylo noticing, and Hux was standing in front of him, squinting at the light. His hair was a mess and his arms were crossed not in anger, but for warmth.

“Hux.”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Hux asked, no real bite to his words.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Kylo said, shuffling his feet. He realized he hadn’t put any shoes on when he left his tent, and now his socks were soaked through.

“Jesus Christ, Kylo. Are you trying to catch your death? Come here, idiot.”

Hux outstretched his hand expectantly. There was no doubt in his mind that Kylo would follow him… He apparently knew Kylo better than he knew himself because Kylo automatically stepped forward and took Hux’s offered hand.

Hux led him back into his tent, Millicent meowing loudly as they entered. Hux ignored her, going straight to his bag and pulling out a pair of rolled up socks and throwing them to Kylo.

Hux went right back to his sleeping bag as Kylo replaced his wet socks with Hux’s dry ones. Hux sighed as he laid flat on his back, his left arm was outstretched and the sleeping bag still unzipped. He was waiting for Kylo to join him. And Kylo did so without a fight. He crawled forward and fit himself into the sleeping bag as best as he could, accepting the comfort and warmth that Hux offered. Millicent curled up against Kylo’s back and they all settled into their positions.

“You’re such a handful.” Hux mumbled into Kylo’s hair. 

Kylo moved his head slightly so he could hear the blood pumping through Hux’s heart.

“I don’t care what your name is.” Hux sighs. “I honestly don’t give a shit. You could give me a number and I would call you by it.”

Kylo sighed and closed his eyes. 

“They named me after someone.” Kylo says quietly. “I guess he saved my uncle’s life. My grandfather wasn’t… He wasn’t _kind_. Wasn’t fit for parenting. He took my mother from her adoptive parents and… He killed them. He tried to kill my mom and my uncle too.”

Hux’s hand stroked through Kylo’s hair.

“Ben stopped him. Took them in. He died before I was even born... And now I have this name I don’t even like. And it’s not… There’s nothing wrong with the _name_. But it’s just… I’m not like him. I’m like… I _am_ my grandfather.”

“I don’t believe that.” Hux reassured, but Kylo only shook his head.

“I am. He followed blindly and I… I was the same. Snoke… The man I killed. My _friend_ … I wanted to believe I was worth something and for a while he made me feel like I was. It just… He was using me. And then… Even after Snoke was gone, I couldn’t go back to being Ben. It wasn’t me anymore.”

“Kylo… You can be whoever the fuck you want to be. I don’t care. No matter what you call yourself... You’re still the asshole who stole my cat.”

Kylo managed to smile into Hux’s chest.

“I’m glad I met you.” Kylo mumbles.

“I guess I’m glad I met you, too. You’ve certainly made this trail more… _Interesting_.”

“I want to be realistic about this… But you make it hard not to feel optimistic.”

“I’m feeling pretty optimistic myself… That’s never a good sign.”

“Maybe this time it is.”

Kylo was finally starting to drift off. Hux helping him feel _safe,_ somehow, even in Nowhere Peak, Washington. 

Kylo didn’t remember dreaming that night, although he remembers the distinct feeling of falling asleep…

 

The next moment thunder boomed outside the tent. The temperature had dropped so significantly that Kylo could see his breath. The rain outside poured down on the tent, making it compress under the force. For the moment Kylo took to fully wake up, he didn’t realize that Hux and Millicent were not there.

The second it dawned on him, Kylo sat up and looked around. It was Hux’s tent he was in, and his sleeping bag that was wrapped around him. But… Hux’s bag was gone. Replaced with Kylo’s own and it was dry like it had been there all night.

Kylo quickly scrambled out of the sleeping bag, tripping over it and nearly bringing the tent down around him as he struggled to exit. The dry socks Hux had given him the night before now soaked in mud and rain as Kylo finally exited. Almost immediately he was soaked through, the rain pouring down on him as he spun around looking for Hux or Millicent or-

Kylo’s tent was gone.

The realization struck him to the bone. He felt far colder than the rain could ever make him feel and for a moment Kylo found he couldn’t move. He managed to blink as the rain blurred his vision and obscured his view of the wooded area. A single speck of bright white caught his attention and when he blinked his vision clear again he saw what it was, laying there under a rock right near the tent flap that Kylo had exited.

It was a note.

It was completely soaked through to the point that if Kylo moved it, it would fall apart. The pencil marks were almost completely washed away, but Kylo was able to make out his name, Hux’s, and a single word that gave Kylo the tiniest bit of hope;

 

“Soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stick with me a little longer folks, we got through the hard part. Please leave a comment! Maybe some kudos!!


	16. Road To Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more after this. Can you believe it? God I struggled so hard with this one for some reason... I had a bunch of ways that it could have gone... There's was one where Kylo meets Finn. One where Kylo runs back into those hikers that stole his stuff. One where he just gave up and ubered there. (Not really, I was just being stubborn not wanting to write.)
> 
> But ultimately I went back to the beginning, and I kind of like that I did that.
> 
> FYI I didn't edit this thing at all. Minimum review on this. I'll reread it later, I'm sure and find all my little bullshit mistakes.
> 
> I've been waiting to use this song as a title. It was time. It's a Bright Eyes song, as per usual.

Han Solo’s life ended in the middle of a particularly hot summer.

He had been riding on his motorcycle on his way to visit his son on the other side of the country when a driver swerved to avoid a stray cat and instead hit him.

His son, Kylo Ren, was unaware that Han was on his way to visit. Kylo was in Maine, sitting alone in his apartment looking at the ceiling when it happened. He was two states away, but still closer than the rest of his family.

When he went to identify the body, he hesitated at the door. He wasn’t sure he would recognize his father’s face...

But when the coroner pulled back the white sheet, there was no doubt in Kylo Ren’s mind who he was looking at. His father had aged, and there were bruises that obscured half of his face in red blotches, but the lines that Kylo had put on his father’s face were the same. Deeper, but still there.

When he was given a moment alone with the body, he nearly spoke up to deny he needed it. But he was still left there to stare at the naked and dead body of the man who had once been his father.

He felt nothing.

A week later he still felt nothing.

When he stood in front of the open casket, he found that his face was incapable of faking any sort of sorrow for the man. While people cried for Han Solo, or laughed brokenly at their good memories, Kylo Ren stood alone in front of dead body that he felt nothing for.

The only thing he could think about was how the makeup they used did very well in hiding the bruising.

Almost no one approached him so give their condolences. The only people who did approach him was his uncles. All three giving a very different reaction to his presence.

Luke was grateful that he was there.

Lando was sympathetic for his loss.

And…

Well, it wasn’t the first time he had been blamed for his father’s death that week.

Being the only person in the family to actually murder someone in the past 15 years had that effect.

Kylo didn’t react to anything that was said to him. He couldn’t find any emotion to feel that would be any sort of appropriate in the setting. Even anger, his most well expressed sentiment, was lost to him when he watched a too expensive box be lowered into the ground.

When it was over he left for his hotel without more than a word said. Even when his mother stopped him to hand him a book, he only nodded to her.

When he laid there that night, staring at the off white ceiling through the dark, he still felt nothing.

Kylo didn’t talk to his family again for months until his uncle started calling.

“I feel responsible.” Luke says over the phone.

Kylo lets him talk, not entirely understanding his motivations as to why. Maybe he felt some semblance of guilt for dropping Luke as his therapist all those years ago, or maybe how he had avoided taking his calls in jail, but he continued to talk to Luke and even let himself be coerced into calling his mother every once in awhile.

Their relationship was  _barely_ there.

When Luke started talking about hiking, Kylo didn’t give it any thought until he received the eviction notice from his landlord. Property damage apparently… There was something in the back of Kylo’s mind that told him that he wasn’t actually at fault for any property damage he may have seen, but the energy he had for fighting had left him a while ago. Kylo was mostly just tired and angry. He wouldn’t admit to any sort of loneliness, and often scoffed at the idea when Luke brought it up.

Sometimes Kylo would hear Wedge or Rey in the background and wondered what on earth Luke would know about loneliness.

Kylo was too solitary as a person anyway. He wasn’t good for anyone in the long run.

Maybe that was what convinced him to take Luke seriously when he recommended that Kylo take a summer to walk the PCT. A few months of near complete solitude… Leaving society behind… It sounded like it would be good for Kylo, and hell, the rest of the world.

He started selling his things. It took several months of planning, saving and finally putting his two weeks in at work. He had Luke arrange things with Rey. He and Rey weren’t speaking then, and he wasn’t sure if him texting her vague directions was going to do anything to encourage that. Kylo took a taxi to the airport and before he knew it he was no longer miserable and alone in Maine.

He was miserable and alone in California.

The first few days he hadn’t even considered thinking about Han Solo. It took awhile before Kylo really ran out of things to think about. He went through his imaginary arguments with ghosts and looped through a few songs stuck in his head. He read the book his mother had handed him at the end of Han’s funeral, and he read it two more times just because.

More than anything Kylo had been bored. Bored, tired, and angry. And when he realized that anger wasn’t leaving with each step, when he had exhausted all the things he wished he could has shouted at Han, at Snoke, at the assigned therapists, Kylo found someone new to direct his aggression at.

Hux.

That **asshole**.

Kylo didn’t even do the logs when he first started. It was something he picked up after watching a couple do it while he walked right past. When he finally managed to look through, the cat print stood out, but held no significance. Just another signature. Just another faceless name in a book.

When Kylo started signing more frequently, he started to notice that Hux’s signature was never far from his. Maybe a few names in between, but they got closer and every once in awhile, Kylo would manage to sign before him.

It didn’t take him very long to notice that sometimes Hux’s name would be have been written so hard that it went through to the next page. That was his first clue that Hux noticed his name, too. Kylo started to write quotes from his book. Hux never quoted anything. Just a name, a date, and a paw print.

Kylo got angry, but it wasn’t the same kind of angry as usual.

It was the kind of angry that made everything else fade away. There were no more hypothetical arguments when he thought about how satisfying it would be to beat Hux at was was clearly his own game. There was no guilt when he was angry. He could think about Han without blaming himself for letting that man think that there was any sort of reason for him to attempt a cross country road trip. Kylo was angry, but he wasn’t angry at himself.

It was more of a relief than anything he had felt that year.

It wasn’t happiness. Things did not feel better. It was a drive, a reason to keep going. Sometimes it was fun, and sometimes it was annoying, but it was always there.

And after that…

After meeting Hux, things were different, but not to an unfamiliar degree.

Hux wasn’t a distraction anymore. He was a reason to think back, and to think ahead. Kylo couldn’t ignore his father anymore. He couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t the reason it happened anymore.

When Hux left, Kylo could only remember what he did wrong.

Whether it was keeping Han too close or at too much of a distance, it was still Kylo’s doing.

Kylo knew what it felt like to end someone’s life. He’d done it before. And Han’s death gave him that same sore spot in the back of his skull, the one right where his neck met his head. It gave him that same awful taste in the very back of his mouth. Not quite in his throat, but right on the place where his tongue began. It was the same guilt.

Without Hux, Kylo had to think about things for himself. There was no one there to guide him through grief, to hold his hand and walk him through his doubt and all the other bullshit that was wrong with him.

And Kylo couldn’t feel angry anymore.

He just felt empty.

And alone.

Kylo was lost in thought so much that it wasn’t until he started pulling his sweatshirt out every morning that he realized it was September.

September in Canada…

When did he get so close to the end?

He could almost feel reality settling back around with every step he took forward.

There were so many trees… It was green and brown and Kylo felt like his head was cleared when he finally stopped and stood still.

For a moment, he thought his legs might give out. Not from any sort of emotional catharsis, but just because he’d been walking for so long.

He was going to finish today. He could feel it around him, like he was actually close to some sort of civilization. There was something different about the sky, maybe. Or the ground. Or fuck, maybe it was just because it wasn’t America.

He kept going.

He was so close.

He was going to make it, he could tell.

He thought of those posts, the official markers of the beginning and the end. He thought of the stone ones in Mexico that he had reluctantly taken a photo of to send to his Uncle. He thought about actually sleeping in a bed again. Clean laundry. Couches. Television and internet. Hot water. Blankets. His mom.

Hux.

Hux…

Hux with his mother.

In front of him.

Kylo stopped walking again, and this time one of his knees buckled. He caught himself quickly though, but continued to stare ahead.

It didn’t look… Real. His mother and Hux talking to each other at the wooden posts that marked the official end of Kylo’s hike. Rey was holding Millicent which felt even weirder than Hux talking to Leia. Luke was just as engrossed in the conversation, and Kylo was so confused.

They didn’t seem to notice him there, but a large hand fell on his shoulder.

Kylo startled and almost lost his balance. His legs were jelly, but when he saw his Uncle Chewy he forced himself to stay where he stood.

It was one thing to see the people that were actually willing to speak to him…

For a moment Kylo forgot all about Hux and his mother. His uncle didn’t look mad at him, and Kylo couldn’t properly process the expression on his face.

The last time… It was the funeral. Everything went back to the funeral… But the last time Kylo had seen Chewbacca, his father’s best friend and Kylo’s favorite uncle, Kylo was told that what had happened was his fault. That if Kylo had been a better son, Han would be alive.

And now…

Chewie lifts his hand and lightly taps the side of Kylo’s head. He needs Kylo to pay attention... He signs slowly because Kylo was very clearly in shock.

‘You made it.’

Kylo nods. His eyes were probably wide to the point that it was worrying.

Chewie gives a crooked smile, which is all of his smiles really.

‘I was worried.’

Kylo must look confused, because the smile falls. It’s replaced with guilt and Kylo doesn’t understand. He can’t understand, because nothing makes sense. It’s probably another weird dream. Chewie doesn’t look guilty and Hux doesn’t talk to his mother.

‘I’m sorry.’

“You were right.” Kylo says, shaking his head slowly. “It was my fault.”

‘No.’ Chewie signs, tapping Kylo’s head again. ‘Han made his own choices. I was wrong.’

Kylo’s mouth dries up immediately. He lifts his hands to respond, but they’re shaking and Chewie puts his hands over them, forcing them back down. Before Kylo can try again, Chewie signs ‘Later.’ and turns Kylo’s head so it’s back to facing…

Back to facing Hux.

Who actually looks happy to see him. He also looks smug as all hell, and for some reason Kylo finds that comforting.

Uncle Chewie puts his hands on Kylo’s shoulders and guides him towards his family. Kylo manages to hug his mother before finally his legs give out. She laughs as she goes down with him, and he’s pretty sure Luke is filming it.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” she tells him, and kisses his head like he’s a child..

Kylo manages a laugh at that because he doesn’t feel okay. He feels like he’s breaking down and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

“I’m never doing that again.” he manages to say. In a quieter voice he adds; “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“It was Rey’s idea. She’s been tracking your phone. We knew you’d be here soon and when we saw some… What was the word? Some 'hipster' with a cat, we knew you couldn’t be far behind.”

“I only beat you by a few hours.” Hux says and Kylo tries to turn in his mother’s grasp to look at him.

He looks short next to Chewbacca, but most people do.

He looks beautiful.

“I guess you get to keep your cat then.”

Hux rolls his eyes. “That wasn’t the deal and you know it.”

“You think you’ll be up for the Appalachian next year?” Luke asks, smiling behind his phone.

“Please don’t.” Kylo says, glaring at Luke.

Kylo’s mom still hasn’t let him go, and he refuses to fight her on it. So he just closes his eyes and let’s himself enjoy it for a little while.

Just for a bit.

Everything else can wait for just a minute.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet jesus, please leave a comment. Kudos are wonderful too. <3


	17. Epilogue: I Will Be Grateful For This Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the official ending guys. I read all the comments that were posted on the last chapter, and I almost didn't finish this one with how finale they all sounded, but here it is. And I met my deadline! New movie comes out tomorrow (officially at least) and I'm actually not seeing it til Sunday.   
> May the Force be with us, holy shit.
> 
> This final chapter title is taken from a Bright Eyes song, that I'm going to quote now:
> 
> The story is incomplete.   
> The pictures' left unfinished. 
> 
> So I am writing my own ending.   
> I'll let my pen bleed black or blue.   
> And I will color in the meaning.   
> It will be gold and green and true.   
> And I'll learn to love my new discovered proof.
> 
> I'll be grateful for this day.   
> I will be grateful for each day to come.

Kylo was woken up by Millicent jumping on his stomach.

After a pained grunt and seizing from shock, Kylo didn’t hesitate in pushing her off of him. Her glowered at her from over the bed where she stood on the floor looking up at him with wide eyes. He reached down to pet her, but only got her teeth. No less than he deserved, really. He pulled back and settled back to try and finish his nap, but before he could, Hux came into the room and dumped Millicent on his stomach again.

“Why do you hate me?” he groaned, throwing an arm over his face.

“Plenty of reasons. You leave your hair in the drain, you insist on clinging to me every night no matter how warm it is, you don’t rinse out dishes, and you refuse to let me cut your hair.” Hux stated without hesitation. “Now get up, you have to go.”

“I really don’t have to.” Kylo insisted.

Hux only looked at him.

Sighing, Kylo forced himself up and off the couch. He kissed Hux once as he handed over Millicent and went to go find his shoes.

The drive wasn’t so bad. Not as bad as he would have thought before he walked vertically across the country at least… But it was still dull and the radio played the same song twice, which annoyed Kylo to no end. Pulling into the parking lot didn’t help with his mood at all, but he put on a good face anyway.

If he was going to try, he was going to actually put some effort in. If he didn’t, Hux would give him that look...

The bell over the door chimed as he walked in, probably still looking tired, but he managed to smile at Wedge who was on the phone behind the counter. Wedge smiled and nodded back, his eyes glancing to the corner booth. Kylo gave a small salute of understanding and headed that way.

He walked past Rey and she slapped a menu into his chest. He raised his eyebrows at her and she shrugged.

“There are other things we make. I just thought maybe you’d like some _variety_.” she tells him, a bullshit expression on her face that told Kylo she knew he very much didn’t want _variety_.

“You say that every week, and I still haven’t changed my mind.”

Rey pulls out her notepad and pen and flips it open. “‘The most boring lunch ever.’ As per usual.” she flips the notebook to show that’s exactly what she’s written on it.

Kylo hands back the menu and smiled sardonically at her. She rolls her eyes as she takes it.

“Dad says he’s going to start using different bread every time if you keep ordering that.” Rey says as she starts to walk away.

“Luke wouldn’t if he ever wants me to come back here.” Kylo tells her, she only flashes a smile as she walks away.

Kylo will make sure not eat without looking at his food first.

Kylo continues forward until he reaches his booth. He slides in and goes straight to trying to stack the cream packets in the bowl in front of him. He’s the first there today, and it’s a good way to distract himself from looking at the photo on the wall by him.

It’s the one that Hux took almost a year ago.

Kylo and his… His family together at the end of the Pacific Crest Trail. Kylo looks dazed as all hell in it, with his mother holding onto his arm and his Uncle Luke ruffling his hair. Rey on Luke’s other side, and Chewie behind them all, towering over them as per usual.

Kylo doesn’t like to look at it. There’s a copy of it on a shelf at his and Hux’s apartment, but it’s behind a specific stack of books and if he’s having a particularly bad day he’ll pull it out, but otherwise… He was just starting to heal then. Being reminded of where he was at that point. How he was feeling about his place in the world, and in his family, it wasn’t something he liked to dwell on for very long. Well, he would. Pretty soon… His and Hux’s anniversary was coming up, as both their mothers were fond of reminding them...

Gazing around the restaurant for a moment, Kylo caught Luke’s eye through the cook’s window and managed a small wave at the man who smiled like he was actually happy to see Kylo there. It was a nice feeling most days.

He went back to stacking his creamers.

It wasn’t long before they were knocked over when a a man much taller than himself slid in the across booth, bumping the table with his long legs. Kylo smiled briefly at his uncle. 

“Hey.” he greeted.

Chewie pulled out a book and put it on the table.

‘Kylo.’ he signed.

It was different from how he used to sign it, whenever he could bring himself to. Now it was more… Personable…? Specific…? Familiar…? It meant something now, more than just the replacement for Ben, but an actual name.

“What’s that?” Kylo asked.

‘Dumb book.’

“One of Han’s?” Kylo asked, reaching for it.

Chewbacca smirked, and knocked down the rest of Kylo’s creamers. Kylo only rolled his eyes as he flipped through the pages. Kylo felt himself smile, actually smile, when he saw the drawings in the margins.

Han’s terrible doodles of motorcycles filled the white spaces, while certain lines were underlined and circled n the worlds. It was, of course, Kerouac's the Road, because Han was nothing if not predictable. If Kylo let his thumb slowly crease the corners, a small cartoon of a man waving would show itself. 

Kylo imagined Han on particularly boring ride across state, sitting passenger as Chewie drove, doodling with a pen. Maybe he did it in the few catches of streetlights that he managed in the dark, unable to sleep while their stash was under the back seat cushions.

Kylo placed it back on the table in front of Chewie.

‘How’s Hux?’ Chewie asked, just as Rey came over with Kylo’s sandwich along with Chewie’s coffee. She placed them down without a word, only a mock disappointed look at Kylo who spitefully took a bite of his PB&J. As she walked away, Kylo managed a shrug while swallowing his bite.

He thought about it of course, because that’s all he could do when someone asked about his relationship with Hux. They fought a lot, but in a good way. In a way that reassured Kylo that words were meaningless and actions were everything. Hux’s hand in his hair meant more to him than Hux complaining about how long it was. Hux grabbing Kylo’s hand and placing it on his lower back meant more than Hux telling Kylo he didn’t need his cane that day. Hux kissing Kylo’s ears meant more than Hux teasing him about them.

And sometimes Hux would say nothing and let Kylo hold him, which meant everything.

“Things are good. We’re visiting his mom next weekend.”

They were technically visiting both of Hux’s moms, but it was easier to talk about just the one when it came to their plans.

‘Getting married yet?’ Chewie asked, with a wide grin that made Kylo roll his eyes so hard they nearly disappeared back in his head.

Chewie asks the same questions he asks every week, and it should be repetitive and annoying, but Kylo only finds comfort and humor when they're asked. It’s like watching your favorite movie over and over again. How’s Hux? What are you reading now? Are you getting married soon? Here’s something of Han’s that won’t bring up bad memories. At the end of every get together Kylo says the same thing.

“I’ll try and be back next week.”

He never makes the full commitment, because he knows who he is. He knows that there will be bad days where he’ll blame everything on everyone else and not even Hux can convince him to leave the apartment. There have been days that he’s missed. Weeks sometimes… But Chewie never brings it up the next time Kylo can be bothered to show up, and Kylo is grateful. 

They’re picking up the pieces of what was broken the day Kylo left home, and it’s been slow, but it’s been better too.

Kylo is less afraid to talk about his father when it’s Chewie. Easier than Rey’s hero worship, or Wedge’s hidden grudge, and Luke’s blind affection. Even his mother’s less than idealistic view of Han was smudged by Kylo’s own actions. Kylo didn’t have to hide the bad to talk about the good and he didn’t have to highlight the good when talking about the bad.

Han wasn’t perfect. And he wouldn’t want to be remembered as such either.

At least that’s what Chewie told him…

Hux was biased because he loved Kylo and hated his own father, and Kylo was fully aware this. And a lot of the times that’s what Kylo wanted. Someone who was on his side no matter what, but… sometimes that wasn’t what Kylo needed. 

Hux was there for every other aspect of Kylo’s life. He was the strongest support system Kylo had ever had, and when Kylo went home later that day, after the hours of talking and signing and awkward pauses in conversation, Hux was there.

Today he was on the floor, flat on his back. Not an unusual position to find him in, but an odd one nonetheless. Millicent is curled up against the curve of his hip and Kylo can’t bring himself to look away as he takes off his shoes and jacket.

“Hey.” Hux sighs out, fully knowing exactly how amused Kylo was by his position.

Kylo could ask the obvious. Does his back hurt? Is he having trouble breathing? Does he need help getting up? But the crease in Hux’s forehead tells him everything he needs to know. Yes. Sort of. Maybe later.

“Room for one more?” Kylo says instead, walking until he’s standing over Hux. 

Hux smiles like he thinks Kylo is an idiot and he pats the spot next to him on his left.

Kylo lays down next to him, his arms pressed against Hux’s, flat on his back. He turns his head to look at Hux, appreciating the shapes that make up his facial profile. Hux doesn’t turn to look back, but he stares at Kylo from the corner of his eye. Hux raises his eyebrow.

Kylo only presses a kiss to Hux’s shoulder, and Kylo let’s his hand be taken by the paler more slender one at his side.

Together they look back up at the ceiling. Together they appreciate the quiet purring of Millicent that fills the otherwise silent room. Together they are quiet and content.

 

Together everything else feels like it lead right up to this moment.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I can't believe it's actually over.  
> Wow.  
> I spent a year on this. More than a year! I cant believe it's actually done...
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me. Thank you for all your kudos and all your comments and your encouragement and for telling me your favorite lines. Thank you for just reading this and giving it a chance. Thanks for taking the time to support me, even in the small ways. And in the big ways! Thank you to the late comers that gave me new points of view and comments on nearly every chapter! Thanks to those who only commented once, and thank you so much to those who commented on every update. I'm honestly just so grateful.
> 
> I've never actually finished something this long before. I never even tried. This is a dumb important moment for me, but I'm really glad I got to share it with you all.
> 
> And hey, if you were wondering what Kylo's name looks like when Chewbacca signs it, it's the motion for 'journey' with the sign for K. I don't know an awful lot about sign language, but I'm starting to learn for my job.


End file.
